Today is less about being a mom and more about being a woman…a married woman….they’re related.
“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.” Charlotte, Sex and the City.
That’s one of my favorite quotes of all time…it reminds me of my first REAL breakup with my first “soulmate.” It was with my college boyfriend turned fiance, Chad….I just moved to Dallas and didn’t have cable so all this broken-hearted girl could do was watch every single episode of Sex and the City and hope for clarity….and I got it. Not only did I get clarity, but I got an extra dose of Sassy-Woman that I was lacking previously (well, I think I was lacking it.) I realized then that maybe the whole “soulmate” concept is bogus and there is a time, place and purpose for every man (well person really) that enters your life.
Fast forward six years and I still truly struggle with the idea of a soulmate…I feel like any given day you could be passing many potential soulmates by on your way to work, in meetings, etc. and that depending on your mental state that any of those peeps could be a fit.
A few weeks ago one of my Facebook friends (because that’s a different category than an actual friend) posted something to the effect of “Happy Anniversary to my soulmate and knight in shining armor (blah blah blah) I love you.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. I get that you love your husband and you’re thrilled to be celebrating another year of marriage but the extra-barfy online PDA kind-of annoys me. It’s not that I’m not happy for these people, but I guess I don’t feel that way so I don’t think others can…ya know?
Did 90% of my married/relationshiped Facebook friends REALLY meet their soulmate or are they full of online malarkey (thanks, Biden)? I certainly don’t feel like Matt is my soulmate…as in the absolute only person for me. Do I think he is a good fit? Yes. Does he complete our family? Yes. But is he the absolute best person for me and there could never be any other human on this earth that could make me happier? Not sure. I’m 99.9% sure that is Ryan Gosling walked his sexiness up to me and said “Make me your soulmate” I’d say “Yessir.”
Me and my “soulmate”are five years into our relationship and while we have grown together in so many ways, I can tell you with 100% certainty that the whole “can’t get enough of you,” “can’t keep our hands off each other” or “I love you so much I’m going to proclaim it on Facebook” bizznass is…well…I haven’t seen that since 2009. So, am I in the wrong relationship? Is that supposed to fizzle?
For all of you folks out there saying “Of course that fizzles!” “We ALL feel that way!”, my question to you is: Are all of my Facebook friends full of crap? Someone is lying.
Why is being married so tough? Before Facebook we used to have REAL conversations with friends about our relationships sucking and our men doing stupid things, but with the glorification that Facebook allows, it’s like no one can be honest with themselves or the world. I crave that honesty. I need to know that somewhere out there are other people that are only half listening every time their husband speaks or that when a good looking man walks by they think maybe…just maybe…he checked me out even though I have “mom” written all over me with my giant pink diaper bag/purse from Pottery Barn Kids and the diaper in my hand.
Back to Sex and the City…how do you make sure your relationship keeps that “zsa zsa zu?” and are people on FB full of it for the sake of show?
So many questions. Please provide me with advice so I don’t need a therapist…thanks.
::takes sip from glass of Pinot::
I have so many thoughts I don’t even know where to start! But, thank you for such an honest and hilarious post. I have solved this problem by surrounding myself with friends who are brave enough to admit that their lives, marriages, jobs, etc are NOT perfect. It is too exhausting to be around people who constantly feel a need to play Stepford Wives, you know?
It’s funny that this post comes on my 13th anniversary! And, to sum it up, my husband said it only feels like we have been married 12 years and 11 months. 🙂 I love my husband very much but yes, there are definitely bumps in the road along the way. We just try to not sweat the small stuff and just have fun. It takes WORK for sure! And wine night once a week with my girlfriends.
Great post Vanessa. And I’ll first say that I 100% agree with Ashley. Having real girlfriends who will share the good, the bad and the ugly of their lives with you is such a great way to stay grounded in your marriage and realize there is no “perfect” marriage. Peaks and Valleys are what I say…(or John’s favorite comeback of mine when we’re in an argument and we are at an impass…like we’re speaking japanese to eachother…I just say “MARS & VENUS” and walk away. ) I am with you on the whole “soulmate” dilemma. I had two “soulmates” before I met John. at least I thought they were. They were both what I needed at that point in my life to grow in one way or another. Thank goodness they didn’t work out or I wouldn’t have met Juanito! Heck, my mom had two kids…was married for 17 years …got divorced…and five years later met someone who I truly believe was her soulmate. Love is complicated, scary, and what I do know is that it takes work to keep love/marriage strong. But it’s so worth it!
You tell the good stuff on FB, then bitch to your close friends at home after you’ve all been drinking a shit-ton of wine! You should only post bad/sad stuff on FB if you are looking for a pity-party. And I’m not judging about posting bad/sad stuff on FB, sometimes you truly want a pity-party! Lord knows I do sometimes. Marriage is not perfect, life is not perfect, kids are not perfect and friends are not perfect. But let’s post only good shit so we can paste smiles on our faces instead of frowns. Cheaper than botox 😉
Vanessa- I couldn’t agree more with what you said. Jameson and I have been together almost 8 yrs and I rarely sing his praises on FB. Either I’m just a bad wife or I’m checked into reality. I always roll my eyes everytime I see someone sing some praises of how wonderful awesome sweet and in love they are with their mate. That me and my friends have come to the conclusion that they are lying and somehow feel that broadcasting this “awesomeness” on FB will make everyone jealous or compensate for that fact that maybe their relationship really isn’t all that.
I love how candid you are in this post Vanessa. I think it is important to not compare your relationship to others…that can lead down a bumpy path.
As I stated in my facebook post…I brag on my husband on fb occasionally…I don’t go over board, but I am sure I have made some people throw up in their mouths and I could care less. My husband freaking rocks in my opinion and I like to brag…he deserves it. I think a lot of people (some that posted comments below) think that just because someone posts how much they love their spouse or how awesome their spouse is that they must be full of $%&* and trying to make their life seem perfect….well that is not the case all of the time.
I think there are people who do make posts on fb that are full of bologna but I know I am not and know others that aren’t either. I don’t air my dirty laundry on fb however because I think there is a time and place for certain things and mine and my hubby’s arguments don’t need to be aired out on fb. Do we fight? Hell yes. Is it ugly some times? Hell yes…we are both stubborn 😉 Do we bicker and get irritated with each other? Of course. But we figure it out and learn from it. It took us a few years to get the hang of things married, especially since we had a baby first. We got our really hard times done in the beginning…now it is just the little things.
I’m sure I will sing praises to my Hubs some time soon…..if he had a fb he would be the same way with me, that is just how we are with each other, but not everyone is. It’s all good 🙂