For nearly 3 years I have looked to Austin Moms Blog as an outlet to share my inner most thoughts as well as personal stories and journeys. AMB is not only a place for Austin moms to connect, but as we’ve seen with our National Infertility Awareness Week series and many many other stories we’ve shared, AMB is a place for all moms {not just in Austin} to connect on a personal level.
With that said, today is an extremely personal blog. Not just in topic, but for my family as well.
I’ve always wanted a big family. I can remember day dreaming in high school about marrying the man of my dreams and having 4 children, 3 boys and 1 girl. I can’t explain why at the ripe age of 16 that’s what I was dreaming about, but I was. I’m blessed beyond measure to have the man of my dreams as my husband. Adding 2 beautiful boys to the mix honestly made me whole. In simple terms, my life is complete even if I’m missing ½ of that once 16 year old day dream.
My husband and I have never been very good at family planning. My first pregnancy that resulted in one of the loves of my life, was not planned. Our 2nd pregnancy, which resulted in a miscarriage {blogged about, here}was also not planned. So it’s no wonder that I found out this past Sunday that I was expecting our 3rd child. Wait. What? ANOTHER BABY?!?!?! I was filled with so many emotions. Excitement, fear, OMG, thank goodness we just bought me a bigger car, what’s my husband going to say, holy CRAP, the list goes on and on.
It’s no shock to me that my husband had all of the same emotions plus about 2000+ more. We had so many conversations about what our future was going to look like. And while it was looking a bit more chaotic, we were both excited at the prospect of a 3rd baby. It may not have been our “plan”, but somehow it became our “path”. And while we were still trying to process it all, being a party of 5 was starting to sound pretty cool.
Sadly, I was only able to hold onto the idea of being a mom to three for 48 short hours. Yes, I miscarried… again. While it is definitely sad and so hard to comprehend the array of emotions I’ve experienced this week, I can’t help but smile. I smile for my 3 gorgeous boys {husband included}, I smile at how easy they became mine {husband included}, and I smile at being their mom {husband not included :)}. I’m eternally grateful for the “cards I’ve been dealt”, because dammit, they’re wonderful cards! And you’ve got to take the bad with the good sometimes.
I posted on my Facebook page during #NationalInfertilityAwarenessWeek this:
Being a mom of 2 and getting pregnant “easily” made me really take for granted how precious it is to create life. I’m so proud of all my friends who have opened up this week about their infertility struggles and honored they chose AMB as their platform.
I had no idea when I typed the above what was going on inside of my body. Knowing the fate I was dealt this week just reminds me even more how eternally lucky I am to be a mom.
To all of those who suffer from infertility or who have lived through a miscarriage, my heart aches for you but I am filled with hope. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Even if we may not understand that reason immediately, there is a bigger plan. And we have to trust in that.
Maybe my bigger plan is to be the mom to two beautiful boys and become a stronger more appreciative mother because of the cards I’ve been dealt. Only time will tell. Until then… I’m not sad; I’m grateful.
