Gender Guilt: Coming to Terms With the Sex of Your Baby

When you were pregnant {or when you become preggo} did you have your heart set on a boy or a girl? Or did/do you truly not care?

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We all want healthy babies, but sometimes wanting a specific gender is a big deal…initially. When I was pregnant with my 1st baby I really wanted a girl. I just assumed I would have a girl and so did my family and friends {except the Hubs}. I am a super girly girl….make up, high heels, former pageant girl…yes, yes, and yes. Well, it was not a girl and when the sonographer told me “boy” I cried, hard. It took me a couple of days and then I was totally fine and excited. My sister had 4 very young kids at that time {1 girl and 3 boys ages 4, 3, 2, 1} so I knew how much fun boys were and really looked forward to it, because I helped her with them so much. My sister was such a huge support to me on not feeling guilty for those short moments of sadness. I was the first of my friends to have a baby {best friend was preggo at the exact same time, due two days apart} so I didn’t have anyone else to give me great words of wisdom that had experienced pregnancy recently. I was so thankful she made me feel normal and okay.

When I was preggo with our 2nd one I wanted a boy so the oldest would have a brother, my husband really wanted a girl…well it was a boy. He was sad and felt guilty for being sad, but it was my turn to help him know that those feelings were normal and as soon as he saw our son he couldn’t imagine anything else!

When I was pregnant with our 3rd I really wanted and thought I was having a girl. My pregnancy was a complete 180 from my first two and I had all of the “girl” symptoms. Everyone except the husband thought it was a girl, I even told people “it” was a “she”. We had her named and that is who I bonded with. She was Sophia. Well he actually wasn’t a Sophia and that was a hard pill to swallow. I was a wreck and in denial. The sonographer moved so quickly I didn’t actually see the proof that it was a boy, so about two weeks later in the midst of an emotional depression I went back in for another sonogram because I needed to see “it”. Well he was a he indeed, no denying it! I literally had to grieve not having a Sophia and began getting to know baby boy P. It took me a few weeks to really move past the sadness, but once I did, I couldn’t have been happier.

What I found very irritating at that time was the people who made snarky comments or were just sooooo not supportive, sympathetic, or understanding of what I was feeling. You should never make a mom {or dad} feel guilty for being sad initially, because they wanted pink or blue and are getting the opposite. Of course at the end of the day I always wanted a healthy baby and no, it didn’t matter whether it was a boy or girl. Those hormones are on high alert and you just never know what will make a mama sad or cry. So the comments such as “Gosh, is it that big of a deal?” or “You should just be happy he is healthy and you can have babies, plenty can’t” just pissed me off. There will never be enough words for how thankful and blessed I feel that my husband and I conceived so easily and had 4 healthy babies, but shame on anyone who tells me how I should feel about something.

They are my feelings to feel, not yours, so don’t judge. I sometimes had snarky comments in return which usually caught people off guard and put them in their place.

I knew instantly the night we got pregnant with our 4th baby that I was having a boy and I knew he was our last baby. As soon as people started finding out about us being pregnant the questions began about gender and how I felt about it. Of course the hubs and I loved the idea of having a girl because we didn’t have one, but I also loved the idea of a 4th boy too, there is nothing sweeter {in my world anyway} than a mama’s boy! Well it was indeed our 4th and final boy. We caught and still catch flack from people about having 4 boys and/or not having a girl and it blows me away. It shouldn’t matter to anyone else. We are beyond lucky parents and are so thankful.

So if you find yourself in a moment of sadness because you aren’t getting the gender you preferred, that is okay. Don’t feel guilty about it, the feelings will pass and that baby will be the apple of your eye. If you know someone who is sad about the gender….don’t judge them {or if you are going to judge, keep it to yourself} and don’t say anything stupid or insensitive. It simply isn’t necessary or helpful to a woman who has more hormones on a roller coaster than she knows what to do with. Hug her. Say positive and say sweet things to her. Be supportive. Be a friend.

:: Did you experience sad feelings finding out the gender of your baby? ::

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One Response to Gender Guilt: Coming to Terms With the Sex of Your Baby

  1. Porter October 26, 2015 at 2:44 pm #

    Hi Ashlee – I had to comment because I love your 3rds name 🙂 It’s my first name too and I am a girl! 🙂 Not a common name in general. I can relate I have 2 boys and when I was pregnant with the 2nd I was often asked, don’t you want a girl? I didn’t. I felt guilty because at first the Dr said it was a girl and I was sad. When he came back and corrected himself, a few weeks later, and said it was a boy I was elated. But I still felt terrible to be sad if it had been a girl. Nonetheless I love having 2 boys and I of course would have been happy if it was a girl. Thank you for the blog post.

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