I’ve been with my husband for over a decade now; however, we’ve only been married three years. I can tell you the hardest part of our relationship was the seven years prior to tying the knot. There’s something about finalizing your commitment to one another that changes the way you look at each other, speak to each other, and support one another.

Chelsea Vail, reception

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I have a perfect marriage. I do NOT. In fact, the only people I know who have the “perfect” marriage are the people whose marriage I know nothing about because the truth is, marriage is hard, it sucks at times, and it will never (I repeat never) be perfect. However, I have learned some things from my decade with my husband, married friends, my parent’s 38 year marriage, my great-grandparent’s 75 year marriage, and my work with couples as a counselor that I will draw from for my own relationship and that I’m happy to share with you today.

1. Most marital problems are related to SEX, MONEY, and FOOD

SEX: Sometimes sexual problems are literally problems in the bedroom, mismatched libidos, or lack of ability to communicate your needs to each other, but sometimes its even stronger. Perhaps one person has a history of sexual abuse, therefore there can be hot buttons and emotional issues tied up in sex. Sometimes the level of attraction to your spouse decreases or it can be as simple as gender differences. As my husband’s grandmother always told me, “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”.

MONEY: Too much money can cause just as much dysfunction as having too little. Do you share an account or have separate accounts? Either way, when communication about money and finances is lacking, problems will arise. My husband and I have separate accounts because we never wanted to fight about money; however, that’s the one thing we fight about. Find what works for you, but never stop the conversations about finances. I grew up in a home where my father worked, and his before him, and his grandfather before him and the man led the household. The man was responsible for securing the family’s future financially (insurance, mortgage, retirement, savings, etc.) That being said, my husband did not grow up with a strong male leader. I can’t blame him for that. We have to continue communicating our expectations, but I also can’t force him to see his role the way I do. I may have to step in and be the one to set up those things for the family.

FOOD: These food related issues may be a difference in appetite, tastes, culture, or rituals and manners around the table. My family had dinner together every night, around our kitchen table, and we prayed before every meal. This is what I want for our family, too, although that doesn’t always happen. My husband travels, my stepson has football games late, and I sometimes work in the evenings. I’ve had to accept that a meal together at the table once or twice a week is definitely better than never.

Once we can pinpoint where the issue originated, we can better communicate about it with one another and address it.

I'll go to a football game as long as there's cocktails and AC
I’ll go to a football game as long as there’s cocktails and AC

2. SPEAK UP

Your spouse cannot read your mind. You have to communicate ALL the time. I had a pretty intensive surgery awhile back that my regular caregiver (aka mom) wasn’t able to attend so I asked my husband to come with me instead. Caregiving does NOT come natural to him so I told him I needed him to be loving and calm and be okay with the roller-coaster of emotions I was likely to ride. Apparently, I also needed to tell him not to film me coming out of anesthesia, not to laugh at me when I got the “anesthesia blues”, and that he would be expected to stay with me for the next 24-48 hours ’round the clock. I thought those things were a given, but I was wrong. While I had a balloon catheter in my uterus, bleeding down my leg he asked if I was okay enough for him to go hog hunting! Again, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Where we may be natural caregivers who know to open doors, make soup, fluff the bed, and walk the sick to the restroom; they are not. Never underestimate what feelings need to to be said.

3. SEPARATE OFTEN

It’s beneficial and healthy to separate from your spouse every now and then and to have a life outside the home. Yes, your marriage comes first; however, it’s important to remember you’re also an individual. Take time to meet your girlfriends for a playdate, a lunch, a happy hour, or a glass of wine after the kids go to bed. Your relationships with your family and friends are crucial to maintaining your identity and sense of self. Afterall, he fell in love with YOU…keep being YOU.

Me in Las Vegas with my BFF
Me in Las Vegas with my BFF

4. KNOW YOUR LIFESTYLE

I’m a paleo, organic, clean eater 85-90% of the time, but my husband would rather eat wolf brand chili and a bag of fritos with a Dr. Pepper for dinner. I LOVE to workout, but the gym is my husband’s idea of hell. I like to go out to funky places with friends, but he prefers to grill out at home. I’m a world traveler always seeking adventure, but he likes to “relax” on vacation. Some people may see this as incompatible, but we make it work. We don’t try to change one another, but instead we’ve learned to appreciate these differences. That 15% of the time I don’t eat clean is when I’m vegging out in front of the TV with him eating an entire pizza! While he’s living it up doing yardwork I’ll use that time to go for a run. I know he hates going out so I go out with my single friends Friday or Saturday and agree to grill out with him on Sunday. It’s all about being true to yourself and not trying to change each other either.

5. GO TO BED ANGRYChelsea and Cloudy

Many well meaning people will tell you the age old phrase, “Never go to bed angry”, but this is exactly the opposite of what you should do. Nothing good will result if you keep arguing all night until something is resolved when you’re really heated. Sometimes it takes someone saying, “I’m too angry to talk about this anymore” and walking AWAY. Go to bed, take a walk, go turn on AFV and stay in your room, but space and time are necessary to be productive. The next morning, or a few hours later , you can bring it up with a clearer mind and ability to be kind and patient with one another. If it’s a super hot-button topic that you’re both avoiding because you know it could get ugly, set an appointment. Agree to go for coffee at a specific time and place to discuss it.

6. GET NAKED

It’s harder to keep this one up once you have kids, but find time to be naked. Clean the house naked while the kids are at grandma’s, pay your bills naked from the bedroom, or have those stressful conversations while showering together in the morning. It’s really hard to fight or be pissy with someone when you’re both naked.

7. LAUGH

My husband is HILARIOUS! It’s not hard to laugh when I’m with him, but from time to time we all take ourselves too seriously. We watch funny movies, play pranks on each other, tease each other, and laugh all the time! We even made a soundtrack of songs to dance to on the way to the fertility doctor for our first IUI where they whip and spin the sperm prior to insertion. Songs that made the list included “Whip my Hair”, “Right Round”, and “Whip it!”. Just Laugh! Laugh during sex, laugh when you fail, laugh when you’re scared…we manage to find the humor in most situations and it keeps us sublimely happy!

:: How do you keep your marriage strong? ::

Chelsea is a Licensed Professional Counselor-Intern at The Burke Center under the supervision of Karen Burke, LPC-S. If you or your spouse are interested in couple’s counseling or individual counseling, please reach her at 512-507-0227 or email [email protected]

 

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