Austin Moms Blog | The Dissolution of My Marriage
I’ve encountered so many interesting things during the process of the dissolution of my marriage. (I’m sick of the word divorce).   But one of the main ones is the serious lack of tact from others.   When did our world turn so off kilter that people think they can ask you *anything*?   All the sudden people can ask me anything they want?  (and don’t get me started on the unsolicited advice).  Am I the only one who has experienced this?   

Need some examples:

1.  How much child support are you getting?  
2.  Did you get alimony?  I mean — really?  Tell me how this is your business?
3.  Do you get to keep the house? 
3b.  And if so — Really?  How can you afford it? 
4.  How are you still affording ‘X’ (fill in the blank with whatever extracurricular activity you might enjoy — getting your nails done, or your hair done, massages, the gym). 
5.  Can you afford to plan a vacation?
6.  When are you going to get a job?  (by the way — this one makes me want to pour water on you — I have a job.  I own my own business.  It’s quite successful.  You may have heard?  I’m a photographer.  And a darn good one).  🙂 
7.  What happened?  or the Well, I heard ‘x’ (fill in with whatever gossip you’ve heard about the people — everyone just loves knowing they are being talked about).  I heard many rumors about myself (and my ex) that weren’t true.  Granted — some were true — but most weren’t — and again, why oh why does it matter?  It takes two people to screw up a marriage — and I believe that to my core.  Unless you are in a situation of domestic violence, it takes two people to knock down the house of cards.   

I could go on and on and on.  And on. 

Here’s the thing.  From a perspective of the woman going through this — I know you’re curious.  I have friends going through divorce, too — and I’m also curious.  But bite your tongue.  I don’t care if you are best friends forever — unless your friend comes out and tells you any of the above, it’s none of your business to ask.  Or discuss behind her back. 

Instead — ask questions like:

1.  How are you doing?  (and wait for the answer — not just the fly-by ‘how are you’)
2.  How are your kiddos?  
3.  Do you want me to come over and sit with you?  
4.  Do you want to talk?
5.  Can I bring you wine?   Perhaps some dark chocolate peanut M&Ms.
6.  Send them texts that say ‘I’m thinking of you’ or ‘I’m praying for you.’
7.  Drop a card in the mail.  I had one particular person — Coach Cole — who has sent me a letter in the mail at least every other week since September and it’s been so helpful.  And all the letters sit on a pile on my desk and when I start to get down (because, I STILL get upset) — I read through them. 
8.  Ask them if you can come grab their kids for a bit (this one is particularly awesome because I got tired of my kids seeing me cry). 
Divorce blows.  I don’t care who files first.  I don’t care if you were happy to sign the papers.  It sucks.  It’s not a vision anyone has for their life.  It’s not what you dream of when you walk down the aisle.  I watched the show Parenthood and cried and cried — that was my dream — growing old together and having our kids and their kids and big family bar bq’s and that dream is gone.  Vanished.  And it sucks. 
 

And the constant inquisition really sucks.  It’s a reminder of the failure.  But the support helps so much — the *real* support and love.  The feeling that even though you feel alone, you aren’t alone! 

5 COMMENTS

  1. I am guilty of the unsolicited advice. But only because I love you and will cage fight anyone that tries to hurt you. P.s. I hope you know I will bring you wine and take your kids any time! xoxo

  2. Darling daughter, you and “it” are NOT a failure. Look what it produced–two of the most wonderful human beings on Earth. Neither would exist without your marriage. Focus on all the positives.

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