monthly (4)_resized

I remember the first time I met her. I was 15 years old. She was working in the flower beds, in her front yard, sporting a baseball cap and a ponytail. She looked like a little girl playing in the dirt. I thought she was the cutest thing ever. Instant “like”. On my end. She remembers the same day, but recalls her inner dialogue being something along the lines of “who is that girl with my son, and why are her shorts so short?”. She was “Mom of the Guy I Was Rapidly Developing a Crush On”. Little did either of us know that, fast forward seven years, and her new name would be “Mother-In-Law”.

If I’m being honest, I get along FAMOUSLY with her. I don’t think I could ask for a better mother-in-law, and for that, I consider myself incredibly lucky. Hopefully that doesn’t instantly make me lose credibility in a post about “How to Get Along With Your Mother-in-Law”. Because, let’s face it, there’s a decent chance that your MIL is a total monster. And although I love, admire, and appreciate mine to no end, that doesn’t take away from the fact that she is still….a Mother-In-Law. A mother-in-law means pressure. It means head-butting. It means competition. It means navigating through differing expectations. It may mean worse for you. It may mean just all around, downright, ugliness (and if that’s the case, my prayer for you is that you reside in a different state than Dear ‘Ole MIL).

No matter what your situation, here are Ten Ways YOU (yes, you) can begin to take steps towards getting along with the Original Woman in Your Man’s Life:

1) Let It Go: So what that you’ve had to re-explain to her a million times why you have chosen to enroll your child in public school, versus private, and that there is a REASON, an actual GOOD one, for why you DON’T do spankings (despite her visible disapproval of that decision), and that yes, you realize that lasagna USED to be her son’s favorite meal of all time, but that was twenty years ago, and now he actually doesn’t even like it anymore, so it’s OK that you don’t really know how to prepare it. So what?? It will be ok. Let it go. Let it go. You CAN “hold it back”. You aren’t with her every day. Chances are, you aren’t even with her every week or every month. Your child will survive the artificial sweetener in that snack that she just LOVES to give him, and live to tell the tale. It will be ok. Just let it go.

2) Remember Who She Raised: She raised the man, the very same man, you deemed stellar enough to commit your life to. You chose him to be the FATHER of your CHILDREN. He must be good. And she raised him.  At the very least, she carried him in her womb, and birthed him, so if nothing else, for that, you can be thankful (and when she is informing you, for the twentieth time, while observing your child spit/scratch his butt/push a kid down for no apparent reason, “His dad NEVER acted that way when he was that age” you can just keep repeating that mantra “she carried my husband in her womb. She birthed him. I am thankful for her”).

3) Put Yourself In Her Place: Do you have sons? I do. Two, soon to be three. And I know EVERYTHING there is to know about those kids. I’ve wiped their butts. I’ve warmed their milk for exactly 44 seconds in the microwave, because anything shorter is too cold, and anything longer is too hot. I know that one likes to eat waffles EVERY morning for breakfast, but he does NOT like butter on them, and he DOES like his syrup to be cold (what?!?). I know that when one starts crying and frantically saying “uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh” on repeat, it means he’s lost his pacifier.  If he has his pacifier and is still saying it, it means he’s lost his sippy cup.  Need I go on? I KNOW them inside and out, and they LOVE me for it, and I am their FAVORITE girl. The very thought of someone new prancing into their lives, acting like they know my boys better than I do, and becoming their new favorite…psssshh. Please. Just visualizing it, I’m already thinking, “who IS she, and why ARE her shorts so short??”. So give his mama a break. It’s not easy to feel you’ve been replaced.

4) Do it for Him: “the middle” is an annoying place to be. Don’t put your husband there.

5) Do it for Them: This is your children’s grandma/mimi/grammy/ya-ya/lolly/ga-ga/womba/Pomma/G-Dawg (not even kidding.  Those last three “grandma” names exist. I looked it up). She may be a horrible mother-in-law, and yet somehow still be a wonderful grandmother. Or, maybe she’s not even that, but your kids just THINK she is. Until they are old enough to realize otherwise, let them have the gift of a grandma in their lives.

6) Remember that you will BE her: Does anything else need to be said here? YOU will BE her. You will be someone’s mother-in-law one day. And it’s entirely conceivable that Short Shorts may think YOU are annoying, invasive, nosy, pushy, whatever. You aren’t any of those things, of course. Clearly. But she may think you are. So go eat some humble pie, put yourself in your proper place, and realize that you aren’t as flawless as you think you are.

7) Don’t Discount Advice, Just Because It’s Unsolicited: Yep. MIL’s sometimes give out advice that we don’t ask for. Didn’t want it. Didn’t ask for it. Mentally Deleting It. But…there’s a chance…just a small one, mind you…that she may actually know what she’s talking about. It’s happened a time or two in my personal experience. Just sayin’.

8) Get Him On Your Team: Your husband, that is. I don’t mean force him to be in the middle of petty arguments. What I’m suggesting is that you have a conversation with him, in private, about what the REALLY important “no-no’s” are to you. It’s one thing to choose your battles, and let some things go, but are there specific things that you simply cannot tolerate? Get on the same page with that. If the need arises, having him on your team, and being a united front, will be helpful, encouraging, and likely prevent you from COMPLETELY losing your cool.

9) Spend Time With Her: AWAY from your kids, and your husband. Go get a pedicure. Go to lunch. Do something that is enjoyable, but that also allows you the time, space, environment and opportunity to really get to know HER as a person, not just as a “mother-in-law”.

10) Stop With the Assumptions: She might NOT dislike you. She might NOT be judging you. She might actually think you are doing a GREAT job with those grandbabies. She may actually NOT think her son was perfect and untarnished until the day he met you. She may even have a vivid memory of him running into the living room, farting, and then accidentally pooping on the living room floor. Wait, what? I’m not saying MY mother-in-law has that memory. I’m just saying some mothers-in-law might. Anyway, let down your defenses. The negative perceptions may all just be in your head.

If all else fails, just be the bigger person.

To MY mother-in-law…who I know is reading this…you are perfect in every way.

 

 

Hayley Hengst
Hello AM readers! I'm Hayley. Stay-at-home mom to three boys/angels/tyrants (primarily tyrants). Most days, I am very content in that role. Other days, well, you know how it goes. I absolutely love writing for Austin Moms Blog. I also love: books, bubble baths, Mexican food, porch swings, and traveling. I hate: the hustle and bustle of trying to get out the door, on time, with all three of my kids. Seriously, I just kind of give up. You can read more about my crazy crew at www.motherfreaking.com!

4 COMMENTS

  1. WHAT SO MANY YOUNG WIVES DO NOT REALIZE IS THAT SOMETIMES YOUR MOTHER IN LAW IS YOUR BEST FRIEND AND SUPPORTER. IT DOES NOT ALWAYS HAPPEN THAT WAY BUT IF YOU ARE LUCKY THAT WILL BE YOUR EXPERIENCE IN LIFE.

  2. This was a great article with some sound advice, but the fact of the matter is that most women who have problems with their MIL’s don’t have ones that are easily fixed. For example, mine shows blatant favoritism toward my husbands daughter from his previous marriage while treating my husbands and I’s two kids like an afterthought. There’s no advice in the world on how to deal with that kind of MIL.

  3. Thank you! I really needed this- I bookmarked it to return to when I am having a hard time in the future as well!

  4. Hey! It’s stephanie smith (from high school, smitty’s sister and fellow redhead). LOVE your blog!!!! Hilarious, informative and totally true!!! Keep it up! My sister in law reposted one of your articles on her Facebook page and I was like,”hey! I know them! They’re the Sweetest Couple in America!” Hope you’re doing well, you look beautiful and happy as always! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, advise, truths: the good and bad, and ideas…. and making us mom’s laugh!

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here