I remember resolving as a small child to never have children. The years that followed only strengthened the that long-held conviction. I never wanted to fall in love either, because I knew that love meant inevitable suffering and probable heartbreak. Nonetheless I lived a full life filled with vivid people and places and stimulating adventures. I lived in Spain, Honduras, and France. I traveled all over Central America and Europe. I got a graduate degree in Spanish and French literatures. I truly felt as if the world were my oyster.
That’s why two faintly pink lines on a pregnancy test shattered my life with a brutality I didn’t know was possible. I had just returned from a summer in Paris, France, and in true cliché form I had met a boy there who stole my heart away. He was horrified when I confessed that I was pregnant with his child. And he had no interest in becoming a father. Thus began an utterly miserable pregnancy; I finished up the semester and my seasonal job and returned to my parents’ home where I spend the remaining months lying around feeling sorry for myself.
When I went into labor, a week overdue, I was still in denial about the inevitability of giving birth. I lay in bed for 12 hours, muffling my screams into a pillow, before admitting that I just might need to go to the hospital. Another 12 hours later I held my tiny, wriggling daughter in my arms.
My first thought as I stared at my newborn was who are you? I couldn’t conceive that this tiny stranger and I would be bonded for eternity: to a life destined to be shared together. It took days, weeks, even months to fully bond with Sofia but she won over my stony heart with her impish smirks and heart-breaking purity. I was slowly being reborn; fear melted into peace and my belief that life was over transformed into a rebirth of sorts. I felt enflamed with love and a desire to pursue my dreams with my daughter by my side.
Currently I work from home so that I can spend time with Sofia [who will be 2 years old in May.] I write for a Texas magazine and also write freelance articles that are often about – who would have guessed – the treasures of motherhood. My deepest writing passion, however, is the novel [large inspired by Sofia] that I am working on. Progress is slow because most of my time is spent with Sofia – exploring the city and having dance parties in our room. We both enjoy trying new foods, listening to live music and watching flamenco performances. Oh, and drawing. We both love expressing ourselves through sidewalk chalk and easel art. Seeing the world through Sofia’s eyes is constant creative inspiration, both for my novel and for living my life to the fullest every moment.
I regret not being able to give Sofia a father and am well aware of the pain his absence will eventually cause her [hmm, future article on this perhaps?]. But I do what I can and am proud of the decisions I’ve made. I don’t know where life will take the two of us, only that no matter where we are or what we do we will make it beautiful. As of now I am excited to become a part of the Austin Moms Blog community and share in the experiences of an organization dedicated to making the most of motherhood.