Sanctimommy:  a female who has very opinionated views on child rearing and presents them upfront without any sense of humility.

We all know them, have encountered them in the comment thread of blogs, and like it or not, may have been one ourselves at some point. I’m here to confess that I was the worst type of sanctimommy. I was a sanctimommy who wasn’t even a mother yet.

In the 7+ years that my husband and I tried to have a baby I developed some pretty strong opinions about how I thought children should be cared for and raised. I often thought to myself, “when I have kids, I’ll never…” (you fill in the blank). I may have not always said these thoughts out loud, but they were loud in clear in my mind. Now that I’m on the other side of infertility and firmly in the trenches of motherhood I can see that most of these judgements were born out of a mixture of simple naivete (none of us really can know what it’s like to parent until we’re there) and if I’m totally honest, jealousy (it’s incredibly difficult to watch others in the midst of what you are so desperately longing for). All that said, I’ll own it, I was one of those @$$hat sanctimommies and without so much as one minute of hands on motherhood experience. Yowza.

Here are some of the things I was adamant about prior to having my son:

• I will exclusively breastfeed. It’s what is best for my child.
• I will cloth diaper my baby. It will save money, is better for the environment, and the organic cotton will be healthier for my child.
• I will gently sleep train my baby so that he is sleeping through the night in his room by 3 months.
• I will not cave to the wants of a tyrannical toddler. I’m the parent.

Here’s how things have shaken out:

• I breastfed a measly amount of milk to my son for the first 4 weeks. I saw lactation consultants, tried multiple feeding positions, pumped, and was exhausted and miserable. My son was miserable and hungry, and ultimately I let go of my mom guilt, gave that baby a bottle of formula and didn’t look back. Major thank you to my veteran mommy friend who 3 weeks before my due date convinced me that even though my plan was to breastfeed, it wouldn’t hurt to have some bottles on hand just in case. 
• Those precious, adorable, all organic cotton cloth diapers were just about the cutest thing I had ever seen and were generously gifted to us. But when faced with the reality of our lifestyle and the every growing pile of laundry, I realized that I was okay with disposables. I needed one less item to juggle and rinsing, washing and drying poopy diapers quickly rose to the top of the list of things I could do without. Thank you to my co-workers who chipped in to buy me those diapers. I sold the barely used set and pocketed the money for a new baby carrier! 
• Oh sleep, how I obsessed over you! Should I let him cry? Should I bring him to bed? What do the experts say? How about these experts? Or those? SO MANY OPINIONS! For our family, we decided that co-sleeping worked the best for all of us. We sleep well most nights in our family bed on the floor of our bedroom. It’s not glamorous, but it works. Sanctimommy Lindsey would have DIED if she knew she would become a bedsharer! You can stow your pitchforks and torches, I’m happy with our choice and we practice bedsharing safely. I will totally high five you if your 8 week old sleeps through the night in their crib. We all gotta do what works for us and our individual child.
• We have some friends who, when their son was a toddler, kept a stash of easy to chew treats they called “hush up cookies”. If they were trying to finish a task, or conversation, they would slip one to the tot and he would happily sit quietly and enjoy his cookie. At the time I thought, it was crazy. Who rewards their toddler for interrupting?! Now as a mom to a 16 month old I understand that toddlers are nothing but a constant barrage of interruptions, needs, and flat out demands. The other day when trying to finish an important conversation with my husband, I reached into my bag and said to my son, “Want some fruit snacks?” It was in this moment that I realized I had my very own “hush up cookies.” If you’re interested, they are $11 for a big bag at Costco. To my friends in question, you know who you are and you’re awesome parents. Sorry I was a Judgy McJudgerson. 

So here’s what I now know (so far) about being a mother:

• We are all coming at parenthood from different places (socially, economically, and culturally). What has worked beautifully for my son and our family of three may not work for your child or your family. Hell, it probably wouldn’t work for us with a second child. Just a rumor, but I’ve heard they’re all different…shhh, you didn’t hear it from me.
• I firmly believe that we need to remove “Always”, “Never”, and “Should” from our vocabulary when it comes to parenting. I think God gives us children to teach us humility, or at least that’s been the case with us (see bullet points above).
• As soon as you get into a groove, everything changes. Once we got through the newborn phase and I felt that I had a grip on what I was doing, then came teething, then mobility and baby proofing, now he’s a toddler with BIG feelings. I’ve heard tale that threenagers are a force to be reckoned with. We’re girding our loins in anticipation.

Bottom line? We all could be a little more gracious with one another. Can we commit to stowing our judgements? To giving each other some benefit of the doubt and kindness? Can we trust that maybe we’re just witnessing an awesome momma having a not so awesome day? You can join me in the Recovering Sanctimommies Club. All are welcome.