I love Jimmy Fallon. Everything about him. But one of my favorites parts of his late night show is the segment titled “Thank You Notes”. If you haven’t ever heard him do that segment, you can read a few of them here.
I also love Jen Hatmaker, and in her new book “For the Love”, she has four chapters worth of these “thank you” notes, almost ALL of which I totally relate to. They are hilarious. You should buy the book, if for no other reason, to read them (and that is MY personal recommendation, not necessarily the recommendation of Austin Moms Blog as a whole. These things have to be stated, you know).
Anyway, I thought I would attempt to come up with a few of my own “thank-you” notes. I incorporated a few as well from my oh-so-funny husband, and my oh-so-funny friends.
So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I present you with a few of the things we really should all be thankful for:
Thank you, son, for scribbling phrases like “butt crack” and “pee pee hole” on your artwork. In doing so, you have confirmed what I already suspected to be true..I’m doing something wrong.
Thank you, petrified chicken nugget, hiding under my sons car seat. At least I think you were once a chicken nugget. Or were you a piece of peanut butter sandwich? A banana?? It’s impossible to tell anymore. I just fled my house so I wouldn’t have to look at the filth accumulating there, but you are exactly what I wanted to see this morning.
Thank you, to the car lurking (impatiently, but pretending to be patiently) behind me waiting for my parking spot. I mean, it’s going to take me a good 15 minutes to get these feral children of mine contained. Gotta put the groceries in. “Mom…Axel pooped. It’s all over his carseat!”. “Can you start up a DVD for us?” There is an available spot to park just three spots down, but you just really want mine, don’t you? I bet you do. Go away.
Thank you people who drive below the speed limit..you have given me the opportunity to teach my newborn the F word. (Am I REALLY saying the “f word”, if the only one who ever hears it is a newborn? )
Thank You Dinner Time Every Single Night, for being just a little bit more horrible than the night before. You consistently make me contemplate mass murder, divorce, and/or suicide simultaneously. Thank you also, children who don’t eat the food on your plate anyway, so really, what is the POINT of all this madness?
Thank You Endlessly Overflowing Sink, Garbage Can, and Laundry Basket…for reminding me that no matter how much I THOUGHT I “won” today…I didn’t. I lost. I am, and forever will be, defeated.
Thank You Tiny Baby Kindergarten Teacher. You are half my age, plus MAYBE 4 years. That is depressing. I spent at least 5 minute of our 10 minute parent-teacher conference wondering if YOU perceive me to be as old as I perceive MYSELF to be, when I am in your presence.
Thank you slow bagger at HEB. I am done paying for my groceries, but you still have 3/4 of them left to bag. Now I find myself in the awkward predicament of “should I help? Or is it annoying that I keep grabbing for the same things you are? My kids are crying, and I should tend to them, but on the other hand, if we just got out of here, they would probably stop…so maybe I SHOULD help you? Also though, there is the whole problem of me not knowing how to bag them as strategically as you. I just don’t know what to do. Ever, in this situation. Love, the Awkward and Clumsy…or Lazy and Snobby?…..Mom with the Loud Kids that You Wish Would Just Get The HELL Out of your line.
Thank you “fifteen minutes to myself”, for making me feel like a total badass. You have allowed me to load the dishwasher, start the washing machine, put on makeup, do some squats and lunges, make my bed, and sweep the kitchen floor. This is as opposed to the rest of the entire DAY with my kids where I….got us all out of bed, and managed to feed us. Once. A bowl of cereal.
Thank you Dressing Room with GOOD lighting, for undoing a LITTLE of the psychological damage that occurred a few minutes ago, in the Dressing Room with Bad Lighting.
Thank you inventor of the term “basic”…for reminding me that..I am.
Thank you The Bachelorette, for reminding me how very grateful I am to already be married…to a husband who doesn’t wear a scarf and skinny jeans, and who NEVER says phrases like “feel a connection”, and “on this journey”.
Thank you breastfeeding boobs, for giving me a taste of what it’s like to actually have boobs. For an hour. Until the baby nurses again. Now they’re gone. Now they’re back. And….gone again.
Thank you Cougar Mom at my sons jujitsu class … For pretty much showing my kid what I was trying to explain to him … Girls have vaginas.
Thank you Tuesday’s & Thursday’s … For letting me take a dump with only one of my kids watching because you require my other two to be at school.
Thank you car seats … For rationing a years worth of food for the apocalypse … I thought I was going to have to kill one of my Mormon friends and steal their supply.
Thank you vasectomy … For making me set an ejaculation goal for the next 60 days that a 16yr old couldn’t accomplish … Kick me while I’m down.
Thank you playgroups … For creating the most awkward environment of all time for a dad to interact in … I’d rather put my balls in a microwave.
Thank you, sweet babies that got pushed out in record time, giving me the most massive hemorrhoids to last an entire lifetime, of which I have sweet daily reminders at the same time each morning, as I sit down on the pot to relieve myself.
Thank you facial spa technician, who helps me relax for an hour, beginning with assessments of the horrific state my skin is in. You help me feel closer to 60, than 30.
Thank you Mister Turtle at the zoo, for procreating in front of my young family. Explaining the groaning and mounting to my four-year-old and six-year-old in layman’s terms was completely outside the parameters of my comfort zone in parent/child communication. Thank you for growing me in ways I didn’t imagine fathomable.
Thank you, intoxicated people, children, and leggings for always telling the hard truth.
Thank you, Target, for helping me blow my entire budget on all the things. I only intended to go in and buy a birthday gift, but while I’m here, I totally need some new shoes and a new dress….and that entry rug would look great with these new pillows…oh look! cupcakes!…you are basically an upscale Walmart.
What are YOU “thankful” for this year??