The dreaded “middle child syndrome”. I swear, there is something to it. I’m not saying EVERYONE who is a middle child winds up with “issues”, but I’m just sayin’…I know some crazy middle children. Crazy. (Says the know-it-all, judgemental, “first child”).

Since welcoming a third child last summer, thereby promoting my former “Youngest Child” to “Middle Child” status, I’ve come to observe a pattern that saddens me quite a bit. Though I don’t intend for this to happen, though just admitting it makes me feel guilty….the truth is, my poor Middle Child gets lost in the shuffle every day. He just does. My oldest is too smart and too vocal to allow himself to ever get lost in any shuffle. He’s talking to me a mile a minute. He has opinions. He argues. He negotiates. He remembers things I promised, and holds me to them. He has homework that he needs help with. He has specific outfits in mind that he wants to wear. Then there is the baby. He is about as needy and helpless as they come. The guy can do NOTHING for himself yet, as I suspect is typical for 7 month olds. He simply CAN’T “get lost in the shuffle”, or he wouldn’t survive. But the two-year old. The middle child. My sweet, precious, chubby-cheeked little cherub, that I could just eat up I love him so much…it’s easy to sometimes kind of, well, cast him off.

Just to make sure I was using the expression “cast off” correctly, I Googled what that phrase really even means. It gave two definitions:

1. To discard or reject something.  (Ok…I do NOT do that. Sheesh.)
2. To let something go, set something loose

And that second definition is what I think I unintentionally do.

“Middle Child, can you go upstairs and play with some of your toys? I’m trying to feed Baby right now”

“Middle Child, I’m holding Baby right now. I can’t hold you. Can you go see if maybe Oldest Child will play with you?”

“Middle Child, I’m trying to do some reading with Oldest Child right now. Why don’t you sit quietly next to us and look at a book?”

You get the idea. Basically, I feel like the kid spends a fair portion of his life just kind of wandering around the house aimlessly, because I’m too busy with the other two boys, to pay him any attention. The good news is, most of the time, he seems relatively content with that arrangement.. Or maybe he has just resigned himself to it. Sad.

Either which way, I’ve been thinking about him, and this situation a lot lately, because I want that boy to know he is loved and special and cherished. I also don’t want him to turn into a Crazy Middle Child. So, I started thinking through some ways that I could show him that he is special and significant, and so very, very loved.

Here is what I came up with. A list of things that I think can help mine, and your, middle child feel loved:

1. Get to know THEM (their interests)….just because their older brother was/is into superheroes and Star Wars doesn’t mean they will be. Take some time to figure out what they like to play with, don’t just always assume they want to play the same way/with the same stuff as their older sibling. The really tricky thing here, is that your Middle Child may not even KNOW what they like, because all they’ve ever had the opportunity to play with is Oldest Child’s things.  Maybe they’ve spent the last three years THINKING they liked Star Wars, but that’s just because they’ve never met Sid the Science Kid. Figure this out. Help THEM figure this out.
2. Attend their events (sometimes) without the other kids in tow….this one is difficult. It may be impossible for you, depending on what kind of support system you have (ie: willing babysitters). But every now and then…not every time, but just every now and then….if it’s possible for you to attend their class party, their Moms and Muffins, their Mother’s Day tea, WITHOUT a baby (or two or three) on your hip, do it. I think it will mean a lot to them to have mom ONLY focused on them, while they show off their friends, their classroom, their teacher, etc.
3. Be willing to be inconvenienced….the fact of the matter is, there are times when the “lost in the shuffle” and “casting off” I described above are just unavoidable. We have to do what we have to do. I DO have to feed the baby, and therefore I CAN’T play right this second. I AM hauling this heavy-ass baby carrier across the parking lot, and so I really CAN’T hold you, too. But there are other times where I COULD do the thing he is asking me to do….it would just be super inconvenient to do so. I’m resolving to try to say “yes” more often in this situation instead of “no”.
4. One on one time (dates)….this one is self-explanatory
5. Tell them what’s special about THEM…..”Middle Child, you are the very BEST at ____________”. “Middle Child, I absolutely love watching you do _______________”. “You know what my favorite thing about you is, Middle Child? The way that you _____________”.
6. Orchestrate opportunities for them to develop their relationships with each sibling…..one GREAT part of being a middle child is that you are BOTH a BIG brother (or sister) AND a little brother (or sister). Sometimes it’s hard for them to really feel/experience those roles, because they are too busy playing the role of middle. But if you were to manufacture some time for just the middle and the big to spend some time together, the middle would get to feel loved on and protected by their older sibling. Similarly, if you made sure to give the middle and the baby some time together with just the two of them, the middle would have a chance to step up and play the role of protector/defender/teacher.
7. Have a special tradition or ritual that is just for you and them……make sure this is something you don’t do with the other children. It’s ok to have a special tradition with them too of course, just make sure it’s not the same thing that you do with your middle. For Christmas, my parents gave my middle son a book called “You are Special”. In it, there is a wooden doll named Punchinello, who, for various reasons, doesn’t feel special. So he goes to Eli, his maker, who assures him that he was made exactly the way he was supposed to be made, and that he is VERY special. This is my son’s current favorite book, and so every night when I lay him down for bed, I tell him, “You’re special, just like Punchinello!”. I say lots of sweet things to my other two boys as well, but my two-year old is the only one I tell THAT too.  He knows it too, and smiles every time I say it.

So, these are the thoughts I’ve come up with so far. I hope you find them helpful, but in my quest to find ways to make sure my sweet Middle Child feels adored, I would LOVE to hear YOUR suggestions/ideas as well! Please comment below!!