Honesty. It seems simple, right? Just tell the truth. I’d be lying right now if I told you I’ve never told a lie. It never feels good though, does it? Once a lie leaves me lips, my soul crumbles. I get sweaty hands, I lose sleep, my stomach immediately starts to hurt. It’s written all over my face and then I realize being honest is just SO much easier. Even if at first it feels like being honest is the harder thing to do. Being honest with our children, however, is one of THE most important things we can do as parents.

Now, I’m not talking about tiny white lies that help to keep our sanity. Do I think it is OK to tell your little one it is 8PM at 7PM one night so momma can get that extra hour of much needed alone time? Yes. Do I think it’s ok to sneak vegetables into a homemade muffin recipe so you can ensure your little one is getting the nutrients they need? Absolutely.

But, what is NOT OK, is a story that caught my attention about the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” star, Teresea Giudice.

I stumbled upon Teresa’s interview about her recent 11-month-long imprisonment. It really struck me as when she revealed that she has not told her children the truth about prison. Say what? Turns out, Teresa told her kids (except for the oldest) that she was going to prison for a year to do research for a book she was writing. Even during the interview, Teresa appears to whisper and uses air quotes when she states that mommy is just investigating what it’s like to “be in prison.”

Ok, look. I get it. Having to explain to her children that she is going to prison because she committed a crime is a tough conversation to have. And while Teresa’s intentions are probably to protect her children, lying to them doesn’t seem like a great way to foster a trusting relationship. My guess is that her daughters already have a suspicion about the truth and will be broken hearted when they learned that mommy has lied to them, while speaking the truth to everyone else.

From my time working in a pediatric hospital, I saw parents withhold the truth from their children on many occasions. One specific example is when 6-year-old patient was brought to the hospital for outpatient surgery when in reality his parents had told him that they were going to McDonald’s for breakfast.

While I’m sure the parents’ intentions were honorable, to protect their child from anything that may be scary, creating a situation like this where the child is left feeling misled can lead to negative repercussions. As parents, the best thing we can do is provide honest, factual information in a loving and supportive way. Had my patient been prepared for what to expect and been taught coping skills with how to handle something scary like surgery, I know his experience would have been much more positive.

In life there are a lot of scary and intimidating conversations that we have to discuss with our children: going to the doctor for shots, the death of a loved one, and moving away to name a few. In all of these conversations, despite the agony of the current situation, honesty is still always of utmost importance. When we withhold the truth, the only person we are really protecting is ourselves.

Children are capable of handling the truth if we take the time to tell them in a way they can understand. Inevitably, the truth will come out anyway. By having honest, albeit sometimes difficult, conversations with your child, you will be teaching them to come to you when life gets hard.

If you have found yourself avoiding a tough conversation with your child, use these tips to help guide your conversation while putting honesty at the heart of it.

• Start by making a special and specific time to speak with your child.
• Create a safe space for the child – somewhere familiar and comfortable to them.
• Consider having another trusted adult around to offer support (another parent, grandparent, close family friend, etc.).
• Begin the conversation by telling them that you love them and are available for any questions or opinions they may have. There are no bad questions.
• Ask the child to create a “safe word” that they can use to pause or end the conversation at any time.
  • Children need time to process information at their own pace. Keep in mind you might not get all that you want to say out at one time.
• State the facts the best you can and cater to your child’s age and development. If there is more than one child in the room at a time, cater the conversation to the youngest and follow up separately with the older.
• Be aware of your child’s cues. If he or she starts discussing another random topic or looks disinterested, use this as a chance to pause the conversation.
• It is OK to cry. If you feel moved to cry, do it. If your child cries, tell them it is OK to cry and support them.
• If your child asks a question you don’t know how to answer, you can ask them what they think the answer is, or why they would ask that question.
• End the conversation by telling them, again, that you love them and are available at any time to answer questions or just sit with them.
• Follow up frequently with your child and remind them that you are there for them. Ask them how they are feeling specifically about your conversation.

Being honest will not always be the easiest choice. But, consider this: having a trusting relationship with your child and giving them the safe place necessary to ask open ended questions is the best solution – for both of you.