Yes today we’re breaking the biggest rule of Fight Club, at least the Chuck Palahniuk version anyway. We need to talk about the fight club we often unwillingly find ourselves in with our toddlers. Chances are if your toddler is ever around others they will at some point hit or be hit. Those are both sticky situations.
Here are tips for either, when you find yourself there:
Your Toddler Hits
Toddlers go through a variety of not so great stages. Between biting, fits, attitude, hitting, eating stuff from the floor, etc and all of us will experience a point where we are shocked or even sometimes embarrassed by our children’s behavior. Remember that your child, much like you, is really trying to figure this whole life thing out!
Often our first reaction may be shock and disbelief. I think of the Modern Family episode where Mitch and Cam blame another kid when a mother says Lily bit her child. However, the reality is all of our children will most likely go through an unpleasant stage, and our job as parents is to help them through it. Your parenting is not in question here, every child is different, even ones that have never been spanked will hit. But with hitting you can choose to respond and resolve!
Response is essential.
Even if you have a usually a laid back, go-with-the-flow, not-big-on-consequences parenting style this is an exception. Remain calm, but take a firm stance that hitting is not okay for any reason. Time outs and isolation can be very powerful here. Your goal is to convey that this behavior is not okay in a stern way. Saying things such as, “Hitting is not okay” or “You hurt (insert name) when you hit and that is not okay” or even “I understand why you hit but I am not going to let you hurt others (or me if that is the case)” can help the child understand their behavior isn’t acceptable without negativity. You may have to say this once and then return and discuss it again once they’ve calmed down.
Resolve is figuring out why they are hitting.
Attention, reaction, emotion, and curiosity are some of the variety of reasons toddlers hit. A move, new pet, divorce, trip, or new sibling are all reasons they want attention. Reaction is usually one that is startling to the toddler or one they have never experienced. At this age we as parents have to be on the same team that hitting is never okay for any reason.
For emotion it is best to address and recognize how they are feeling while explaining that hitting isn’t the way to express it. This response gives validation to their feelings while still reinforcing your stance. As parents we have to teach them that we all feel angry or frustrated but just going around the room hitting random people really doesn’t work.
Curiosity is the most common and honestly the most frustrating to respond to because aren’t we all curious about the world and isn’t it something that we want to flourish in our children? Many toddlers will hit simply because they are curious as to what will happen if they do. It is also the easy to curb because usually when they don’t get positive response once or twice they stop doing it and try new things!
Your Toddler Is Hit
Let’s be real here, nothing bring out your true mama bear instinct out like someone, ANYONE, hurting your child. I have been there and this face is literally the one you want to make.
However, being the adults we are we well must be adults, logical, responsible adults. I won’t tell you to silence that mama bear but just restrain her a bit from explosion. When your child gets hit respond and resolve can be just as helpful. Respond quickly to let your child know that you are there and they are safe. This may also mean removing them from that situation to let them decompress a bit.
A lot of times with toddlers the shock of what happened may need a moment to set it. It may also mean responding to the parent. If a parent doesn’t know their child has hit someone they need to be informed so that they can respond. But as I stated before don’t get upset if you get the shocked response because it is completely understandable. Discuss with them why it may have happened but also how hitting is never the right answer. This can also help you to avoid them attempting to use the hitting as a solution themselves.
My son (ever the law enforcement officer’s child) wants justice. Even if it didn’t hurt him he will immediately stop playing and announce that he has been hit. He expects other children to receive a consequence because he knows that he would, even if he hit first he expects everyone to receive a consequence. The reality is sometimes that is not the case and he gets frustrated by this. Respect your child’s emotions. They may be hurt, sad, angry, confused, or frustrated but all are valid emotions. You can do this through communication but also through your actions. If they don’t want to go play with the hitter (even if it’s a sibling) immediately, that is okay and they shouldn’t be forced to right away. That can even help to reinforce to that child that hitting isn’t okay.
Parenting is tough, there is no way around it, and it is innately personal. We may want to read about tips to parenting but its harder to accept advice from a stranger on the street or sometimes even your best friend or relative. That doesn’t make you bad but it does make us all about to see from another parent’s point of view. Hitting is a difficult phase (if there yet, get ready). But maybe if we’re all on the same side we can help each other — and those blessed teachers — to avoid kindergarten fight club.
