we-dont-do-timeouts

The day my sweet delicious baby turned into a toddler was one to remember. It was like we went from strangers, grown men, and everyone in between stopping to tell me how perfect and beautiful my baby boy was…to, well… not that.

While we’ve made it to 2.5 pretty unscathed (shout out to my toddler for minimal meltdowns and tons of laughs to keep me going!) he still is, what I like to refer to as spicy. Wild, nonstop, boundary testing, non sleeping, vegetable refusing, running, climbing, jumping, dirty, opinionated, attention demanding (like right now as I’m trying to write this, he is asking me what Iron Man’s name is….so excuse me while I tell him Tony Stark) toddler boy.

timeouts

But in the days of raising obedient children, I would prefer to raise an independent and confident one. I want my parenting to reflect my own emotional maturity, and to me, a calm communicative approach feels better.

Is it exhausting? YES. It takes a thoughtful and calculated reaction to parent this way…and lets be real, I don’t always nail it. For the days that you don’t feel like you’re nailing it either, and your toddler is melting down, pushing boundaries, not sleeping, testing you, or is just spicier than usual…

Here are my top 3 go to’s instead of timeouts:

  1. TIME IN’S : 

    Time in’s are a parenting practice that creates a chance for children to change their behavior.  Think your 2 year old doesn’t know how to do this? THINK AGAIN. These are bright little creatures I’m telling ya! They thrive when they feel heard and like their emotions matter.

    A time in consists of parent and child staying together, touching even, until the child is calm enough to process through the emotions, versus a time out in which the child is sent alone to a corner or a time out chair. A time in allows both parent and child to connect, refresh and calm. During a time in, the dialogue is so important.”Do you feel heard/supported/connected?” “I see you’re having a hard time, it’s ok. Let’s work through it.” “Can we move to the couch and snuggle for a bit?” “I’m going to stay right here while you’re having these big feelings.” “Mommy/Daddy is secure and a safe place for you to be right now.” “You are heard.”

  2. I LOVE YOU RITUALS: 

    Sometimes, undesirable behavior is a sign that your child is missing a connection with you.  Distracted? Stressed? Tired? Our babes can feel these and will sometimes act out to gain our attention, because no toddler can say “Mommy, I see you’re stressed and I’m craving a connection with you, lets go have a lunch date.” It’s important to create rituals, touch points, and activities that you visit throughout the day to connect with your little one. Some of our favorites are, singing songs with hand movements together (think its bitsy spider), reading an interactive story, peek a boo or another highly interactive game (we play chase that ends with a kiss attack), or any one of these amazing activities in one of our favorite books, Love You Rituals.

  3. COMMUNICATE and give OPTIONS:

    I cannot stress enough how much I believe our children can understand us. Far before they can talk. And I am an advocate for meeting your child at their level, and talking to them in the way you would want to be spoken to and comforted. Offering choices that are tangible, and understandable and then moving forward with the day is also almost always the way I can diffuse a frustrating situation.

    EX: Toddler wants gummies. Lunch is in front of him and he is refusing to eat. “Babe, I hear you. You’re not wanting to eat healthy food because gummies taste better to you. But, right now, I need you to trust mommy with your insides, and the lunch I’ve prepared will give you the most important nutrients. So you can either eat your lunch now, or in 5 minutes after we read a story and we can discuss eating gummies once your lunch is done.”  This example removes the power struggle. You are connecting, understanding and giving your toddler the option of choice so he feels empowered.

I hope you have some alternative options to boundary setting and toddler rearing in the “obedient” culture we are immersed in. I don’t believe that being hard on children (or people in general) makes them stronger. We strengthen children with compassion and understanding, no matter their gender or their age, and mommies…it’s up to us.

timeouts

5 COMMENTS

  1. Great article! Thank you for sharing! I have a spicy 2.5 yr old “man”. He is so dependently independent… lol. Great reassurance for me 🙂

  2. I loved this! As a single Mom to 3 (all under 5) I default to time-out because I’m so busy catering to someone else to really talk through what the real problem is.
    I’m going to implement some of this right away. THANKS!

  3. So what do you do when your toddler throws food on the floor, or continually does something (after you’ve asked 3,000 times not to do it? — Stop pulling mommy’s hair, don’t spit your food out, don’t pull on the cat’s tail…) I do practice time-in’s a lot, we have lots of snuggle/play time, but I struggle with how to teach my 2 year old how NOT do do things.

  4. I think everything you have to say is wonderful, but I think that time-outs can also be a part of the strategies that you use. Time-outs have a bad rap because they’ve been poorly used so often, but they don’t have to be. too often time out is seen as a punishment, and it doesn’t need to be. We use all three strategies you mention frequently but there are also occasions when time-outs are useful…for us that happens a couple times a month. We use the term “take a break” and have explained that sometimes he just needs a little time to calm down and pull himself together. And honestly sometimes we need a little time to before we can respond in a caring and communicative way. For our child and our family time-outs are an important part of our tool-kit.

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