(A Humorous View of) What To Expect When You’re Pregnant

A description, A-Z, of what to expect when you are pregnant.

First time Pregos…I hope you find this humorous, as well as informative.

Veteran moms…you know it’s all true

A is for…

Aww HELL no…hemorrhoids? Heartburn? Varicose veins? STRETCH MARKS??? No matter which one strikes you, they’re bound leave you saying “aw hell.”  

B is for..

Bring it on over this way…your husband has never been more…appealing…EVER.  Hormones, much?

C is for…

‘Course. Of COURSE I can tell that’s the baby arm. Yes, his little face looks so CUTE on the screen. Oh, that’s not the baby’s face? That’s his fibula? Well you “C,” I actually have no idea what I’m looking at. I’m just holding my breath here waiting for you to tell me everything is ok, and that’s all I really care about.  

D…

the cup size you now are if you previously were an “A”…enjoy this.

E…

the cup size you now are if previously were a “B”…enjoy this too.

F…

the cup size you now are if you previously were a “C”….get it gurl.

G is for…

Go away, I want to be left alone.

                    BUT

H is for…

Hold up…where are you going?? I want company! 

I is for…

I Don’t Remember Asking Your Opinion On…(sleep training, attachment parenting: the pros and cons, my baby’s name…ANYTHING really. But thanks for offering it all up, lady in the grocery store. Thanks for patting my belly, too).

J stands for…

“Just the _____ of you, just a little bit longer.” Is this your first baby? It’s just gonna be the two of you…yourself and your husband… just a little bit longer. And you are well aware of that, and while excited, regretful at times. Is this your second baby? It’s just the three of you, just a little bit longer. You are so happy to bless your child with a sibling, but there is a part of you that aches, thinking about how your moments with just your ONE baby are fleeting. (#sob)  

K is for…

Kthanskbye “Babe, I need queso. Or maybe cake? I need both. NOW please. It’s really the least you could do. Kthanksbye”

L is for…

Listeria? I’m sure I have it. I ate this piece of turkey and forgot to heat it up, and now I’m SURE I feel a bit queasy, and the Internet tells me it most definitely is Listeria.  

M is for…

Mom. Mom, you survived all this, so I can, too. But…you’re gonna be there at the hospital with me, right? And like, come over as soon as the baby is born and show me what to do…right?  

N is for…

North? Cricket? Petal or Maple? The name possibilities for this baby are endless. But you wanna know what the best name of all is? “Nunya,” as in “Nun ya bizness,” because who really needs to know that your friend had a student in her kindergarten class with that name, and the kid always had dirty hair and picked her nose? No one, that’s who.  

O is for…

O.M.G I SERIOUSLY Need a Drink Right Now, but O.M.G I can’t have one for another 7 months

P stands for…

Poop…someone told me I may poop on myself while giving birth, and now that’s all I can think about

Q is for…

Question: why is it that my husband contributed to the making of this baby just as much as me, but I’m the one that has to carry it AND deliver it? What does he have to do?? 

R is for…

Reveal (gender). It’s all the Rage. And the ideas seem to just get cooler every year. Ya’ll, there once was a time people simply went to the doctor, and saw either a vagina or a penis. And they knew. The other day on my Facebook feed, I saw someone do fireworks…PINK fireworks. Cool!!

S is for…

Sushi? Starbucks? Seriously? Stop partaking? 

T is for…

Those boobs tho (oh I’m sorry. Did I already talk about this? It’s just that pregnancy is the ONLY time I have anything resembling boobs, so this makes the list twice for me. It’s my favorite thing. Besides the baby, of course)

U is for…

Ultrasounds. They’re supposed to be done on your belly, and yet…here you are, Ultrasound Tech…coming at me with that cold hard wand-type thing. Whatcha doing there? Where’s that supposed to go?

V is for…

Vagina.  “Hey vagina? You SURE you got this? You SURE  you are up for this task?”

W is for…

Wombies? Bumbos? Boppies? Just what exactly does this baby NEED?  Because I was under the impression it was mostly milk and a bed, but now you’re throwing THESE words at me, rapid-fire.  

X is for…

EXcess (I can’t think of a good “x” word, ok?). But seriously, it’s nine months of everything in excess.  Excess joy. Excess emotion. Excess belly. Excess anticipation. Excess uncertainty. The nine months ends, but the “excess” continues. Excessive tiredness. Excessive joy (still). Excessive love. Excessive fear.  Excessive room in the waistband of your pants. Excess.  

Y is for…

Yesterday. I was ready to have this baby YESTERDAY.  Alas, I still have another month to go.  (Why does the last trimester last longer than the first two combined?)

Z is for…

Zzzz’s…”catch them now while you can”? Yeah right.  

 

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