I Thought I Knew… But I Had No Idea

I thought breastfeeding was easy…

But six weeks of a left sore nipple, a bad bout with fever, body aches and mastitis, and milk-stained clothes and bras I can never wear again… I had no idea.

I thought you’d “sleep like a baby”…

But, you didn’t. Babies sleep in 40-minute increments and when that 40 minute mark hits you pray to the high heavens that your cuter-when-they-sleep baby keeps snoozing… I had no idea.

I thought babies took bottles…

But, the joke was on me. SOME (mine!) BABIES DON’T TAKE BOTTLES. It’s a thing. You can also add pacifiers to that list… some (mine!) babies don’t take pacifiers either. Some babies nurse for comfort and give you a stink face whenever you try to stick something non-human in their mouth (mine!). I had no idea.

I thought all babies were chubby…

But, you weren’t. You were teeny, tiny. You took a long time to gain weight. You didn’t fit in newborn clothes. You stayed in newborn diapers until you were two months old. Thus the “don’t even bother buying more than one pack of newborn diaper” rule didn’t apply to us. I had no idea.

I thought I’d cry a lot…

But, I didn’t realize how much I’d cry. The first time your daddy held you, the first incredible moment I saw your face, during your first shots, your first laugh. The many times I bawled from the heaviness of complete exhaustion and loneliness that comes with being a new mom. I didn’t know I’d cry the first time I drove away for a moms night out. It’s not that I wasn’t excited to go and get a bit of “me” back, it’s just that I was a new “me” now. I didn’t know I’d tear up every time I saw a baby born on TV or in a movie… I had no idea.

I thought I’d love you…

But, I didn’t know how fast and how intensely that love can grow on a daily basis. I didn’t know that I’d hear love song on the radio and instantly think of you. I had no idea.

I thought I loved your dad…

But, then I see him play with you, do anything to make you laugh and love you fiercely and fully like I never could have dreamed of. I didn’t know that he’d really get the fact that letting me go to bed first, get a way for a pedicure, and never saying no to bath and bedtime are actually huge ways of showing me how much loves me… but he does, he gets it. I had no idea.

I thought I’d change…

But, I didn’t know I’d be re-wired from the inside out. I didn’t know that I’d the depth of love I feel for you would permeate every breath I breathe. I didn’t know that because of you, I’d work harder and make sure that every moment away from you better be worth it. I didn’t know I’d find beauty and fun in the most ordinary of places (you dance to the sound of the dishwasher). I didn’t know that I’d trade the last glass of wine for water on a Friday night because I want to the one to scoop you out of bed in the morning… I had no idea.

I didn’t know that I’d be a better me because of you, but I am. I had no idea.

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One Response to I Thought I Knew… But I Had No Idea

  1. S Green March 10, 2017 at 10:21 am #

    Oh, Katie love. This is beautiful! Mommy looks so good on you.

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