My Biggest Fear When Growing Our Family

growing our family

When we closed the chapter on having an only child, my biggest fear when growing our family was that I wouldn’t find enough room in my heart to love another like I loved my first. At the time, Mason was my whole world. I loved him more than I loved anyone or anything. More than I loved myself. I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else even close to as much. His wellbeing was my first thought. Always. My days were spent being with him more than I was with anyone else. My thoughts were consumed with him.

As we prepared for our second child, I not only feared the amount of love I’d have for our second, I felt an enormous amount of guilt that this new baby would take away time and love from Mason. I never wanted to have favorites among my children, but I worried my heart would and I wouldn’t be able to convince it otherwise.

Then Hudson arrived and the overwhelming love hit me like a ton of bricks the moment I saw him. The feeling I had as I first became a mom, happened all over again. I immediately loved them both equally but so differently at the same time. I didn’t realize that was possible. Mason made me a mommy, and I have so many cherished memories-just me and him. Hudson was our rainbow baby. The beautiful gift after a storm-filled two years of heartbreak. Brady completed our family. He was the piece we were all missing. Each one brings something so wonderful to our family. They each need me in different ways all the time, and somehow I’m able to tailor a relationship to fit each of them just right.

When I only had one, I couldn’t understand sharing that space in my heart. I didn’t want to take love away from Mason, to make room for other children. But I didn’t have to. I was amazed how my heart doubled, even tripled, with each new addition. So when the discussion came up to add a third into the mix, that fear was far from my mind. I had already experienced my heart make plenty of room for Hudson. I had no doubt when growing our family Brady would have his very own place in my heart, and I was sure it wasn’t going to take away an ounce of love I had for his older brothers.

How could I have ever have questioned the love I immediately found for all three of my boys?

Or how they would each fit just right in my arms or fall asleep so peacefully on my chest? I should never have questioned my mama intuition to know each my boys like no one else on this Earth, and be able to love them to fit their vastly different needs. How could I have ever questioned the overflowing amounts of love I witness every day between these three boys?

My biggest fear, back then, was if having a baby brother would rock Mason’s little world. It did rock his world, but only in the best ways I could never have imagined before. I see now that we gave them the greatest gift no money can buy. Each other. A bond that I pray is strong enough to last a lifetime.

Mason wants to be involved in every part of Hudson’s day, and they sleep together most nights. It melts my heart to look back and see them holding hands in the car, or watch Hudson strain his neck just to get a glimpse of his big brother. Hudson lights up when he sees Brady, and is always smothering him with kisses. They love splashing in a tub together so much that I’m dripping wet and we are all laughing. They insist on matching whenever possible making for the cutest photos.

growing our family

How could I have ever questioned when growing our family just how much they would love each other?

, ,

One Response to My Biggest Fear When Growing Our Family

  1. Charlotte Howard July 24, 2017 at 11:52 pm #

    Everyone has fears, that is so important to realize your fears and try and tackle them. Thank you for sharing,

Leave a Reply