“Addy! For heavens sake child! Please stop trying to KILL YOUR BROTHER!”
Yes. These are words I truly did not think that I would hear myself utter out loud EVER. People warned me about a LOT of things related to the dreaded two under two dynamic, but no one told me that this poor baby would be a perpetual victim of attempted toddler manslaughter. I kid. I kid.
Well, to be honest, I am only kind of kidding. Because truth be told since our sweet chunky monkey completed our family a little over nine months ago, he has been dropped, pushed, stepped on, fed chokeables, handed sharp objects, and led up the stairs. All at the hands of a (now) two-year old. Don’t get me wrong. She loves her brother. She loves him so much she does not understand her death grip hug is actually that… a death grip. And her adorable tickles that send baby brother squealing with delight quickly turns frightening as she begins to wrap her tiny strong fingers around his neck.
I am sure I am opening myself up to a lot of potential judgment here. What an unfit mom am I to allow any of these situations to happen? Well here’s the thing. We THOUGHT we were childproofed. We toddler-proofed AND we baby-proofed. But we failed to toddler-baby proof.
What might you ask is “toddler-baby” proofing? Well let me explain friends. Toddler-baby proofing is when you have to analyze not only what isn’t safe for your toddler and what isn’t safe for the baby, but you ALSO have to foresee this looming wild card… aka the toddler’s interactions WITH the baby.
What might your toddler BRING to your baby, and what might your toddler DO to your baby that normal frontal lobe functioning humans would not? Essentially you have to either leave the two in complete isolation from each other, or wrap the baby in bubble wrap. (We have ACTUALLY considered a helmet).
For instance, I took a shower the other day (I know how dare I). Little man sat safely confined, and Addy lay on my bed watching a show, string cheese snack in hand, so I figured I was good for the moment. NOPE. Within the span of a less than 5-minute shower, my son become a victim of the “death grip tickle,” the “let’s turn this saucer buckled to you into a go-cart” game, the “let’s feed brother office supplies from the desk… aka… paperclips” endeavor, and when Mom tore away the small metal objects, a last resort, the “feed the baby string cheese” adventure.
So sure, Addy will push her brother right off her favorite toy with full force. But share with him her favorite snack. Why not? WHY NOT! Well, for starters he has no teeth. Secondly, little man LOVES to eat and crams entire food items into his mouth. And then of course… he ALSO has a dairy protein allergy. But of course sweet Addy. THIS is the ONE time you deem it necessary to share with your brother. Of course.
Calm down. Don’t worry. I was able to jump out of the shower sopping wet with suds for each misadventure. Seriously though, should I have to? And yes to answer your question. Yes, of course I tried to shower while they were both napping (yeah that happens… oh wait NEVER). And if it does… They smell it. Sense it. Something. And bam — Eyes magically pop open and mouths elicit ear piercing sirens. So showers and baths are doomed mishaps for me at the time.
My point? I am tired, and I am dirty. And it isn’t just because of my toddler, and it isn’t just because of my baby. It is because my toddler keeps trying to kill her baby brother.
So little man. I am so sorry. I am sorry your sister loves you so much, but doesn’t understand her body. I am sorry your sister loves her toys so much that she yanks them out of your tiny hands so hard you fall to the ground. I am sorry that the only toys she does share with you are tiny objects I didn’t know existed, and I have to yank them out of your little mouth. I am sorry your sister thinks she can pick you up, and then just drops you after exclaiming “Mama, it’s heavy!” I am sorry your sister tries to feed you, and again, I have to yank food you are truly delighted in, right out of your precious hand and mouth. I am sorry your sister has forgotten the use of her legs anytime I hold you, and must also be “up.” I am sorry.
But little man you are so tough. And believe it or not little man, your sister’s attempts on your life stem from complete adoration for you (well for you and her toys of course). And one day, I promise, she would cut anyone that even thought about hurting you, and I know one day you would do the same for her. When that day comes you two will be extra little protectors for each other, and will help be my eyes and ears when I am not always there.
But right now, my eyes and ears are so tired, and I really do need more showers in my life. So sister, help me out a little bit, and for the love of all things, STOP TRYING TO KILL YOUR BABY BROTHER!