I have never had a problem admitting that I wanted a girl, but God had different plans. When I became pregnant with my first son I was ecstatic that he was a boy. He was the first grandson and my mom always wanted boys, but got two girls! My husband was so excited because he has two brothers and he really wanted to have a junior. We could not wait to welcome this little boy into our girl-driven family! I knew that I wanted more kids and knew that I would eventually get my “Sarah.”
Two years later I am pregnant again, and husband and I decided to wait until the birth to find out what we were having. My pregnancy was pretty much identical to my oldest son’s; I carried the same, I felt amazing, hardly gained any weight (no worries ladies, I gain like a beast when I am not pregnant!), so I knew deep down I was going to have another boy.
My mom came into town with a TON of girl clothes. We were all hoping to add a girl to our family! I wanted my oldest son to be the protector and have “Sarah” as our little princess (Sarah actually means princess). And more than likely, if the baby was a girl, I would probably be done with kids.
Sept. 30, 2009, we walk in to labor and delivery for my scheduled C-section in anticipation of meeting this new baby! I got really sick during the operation; because of the spinal block my blood pressure dropped and I was so nauseated. I was anxiously waiting for the doctor to get the baby out! Once they delivered the baby, I heard “It’s a boy!” I truly was not disappointed. I was really excited to meet him and could not wait to tell my oldest he had a little brother. And to be honest, everyone else seem really excited too. I had everything we needed for a boy and didn’t really need to worry about purchasing any girl items! My mom did take all the girl clothes to our neighbor’s house whose granddaughter had just been born early!
I knew that we would have another baby at some point in hopes that our “Sarah” would make her appearance. We didn’t know when we would plan for another baby, so we just enjoyed our little family of four. However, God had different plans.
When my second boy was 5 months I realized that I was not feeling well and I knew I was pregnant. My very supportive husband told me I was crazy and that there was no way (I mean…he knows how it all works…) and that I shouldn’t even bother to take a test. And to be honest, I wasn’t 100% sure and really didn’t expect the test to come back positive. But it did. And I cried. Sad tears! I mean, my baby was still a baby and I hadn’t gotten pregnancy/birth amnesia yet!
My husband was thrilled! He was excited! He kept telling me, “This is our girl! God has planned it this way because we are going to have our girl.” His comments really made me feel better and I could not wait until our 20-week scan to see a hamburger and not a hot dog!
I went through the next few months thinking about how it would be with a little girl in our house! She would have two big brothers to protect her and she would be a great bookend to our family. I mean, even our dog was a boy! We had nursery plans picked out, we melted over all the baby girl clothes we saw, and just really relished in the fact that we truly thought we were having girl.
But then, the night before our scan, I realized that this baby I was carrying was not a girl. It was a boy. My pregnancy had been just like the other two and I just looked at my husband that night while we were in bed and said very frankly, “This baby is a boy. We aren’t going to have a girl.” He told me I was crazy and that we wouldn’t know for sure until the next day.
We didn’t tell our family when we would be going in for the scan. This was 7 years ago and gender reveal parties were non-existent, but I knew I wanted to surprise them and couldn’t wait to find out that we were having a girl.
When we got into the ultrasound room, I became very quiet. I was anxious and could not wait to make sure that our baby was healthy and a girl. Has the technician started scanning my belly and checking all of the organs, I started to get so nervous. She asked if we wanted to know the gender and we said yes. My husband then quickly said, “I see something!” My heart dropped and I said, “No you don’t!” and technician said, “Yes he does. Congrats! It’s a boy!” I laid there in silence. I said nothing. I don’t even remember what happened after that, but I do remember walking out of the office and towards the elevator. My wonderful husband was smiling from ear to ear. He was so excited to have three boys! As the elevator doors closed, I just started sobbing. He of course tried to console me and reminded me how lucky we were. We were going to have three healthy boys and I knew he was right, but my heart broke for the little girl I would never have.
I explained to him that just like he had always dreamed of having boys and teaching them how to fish, hunt, play sports and be great men, I had the same dream with having a daughter. I wanted to have a little girl that I could tie bows in her hair, put dresses on her, play Barbies, and have mother/ daughter days out. But, those dreams were gone. Forever. I was going to mourn the idea of having a daughter.
I did not want to tell our families right away. I needed to get in the right head space. I was carrying a healthy baby boy and I loved him oh so much. I then started to feel some major guilt because I was so upset and that guilt jerked me awake; we were going to have three boys. I was going to be queen of our house and those little men were going to be my everything.
When I did tell our families, everyone really was disappointed. There is just no getting around that! And I didn’t blame them because I myself was upset! The next few months flew by and we prepared to welcome our little JR into the world in December 2010.
I am a boy mom. That is who I am. My life is full of dirt, baseball, urgent care visits, pee on the bathroom floor, wrestling, swimming, gymnastics, and just smelly boys in general! I wouldn’t change it. Not one bit. I did eventually get my girl though. She was born in June of 2012. She is currently 5 years old and weighs about 80 pounds. Her name is Remington she is the best dog sister my boys could ever have!