April is Autism Awareness Month, with today being the kick off, in honor of this important day we have a guest blogger. Pam Owens will be sharing a little piece of her story today, she is one of the most amazing women that I have the privilege of knowing. There isn’t enough time for me to tell you how amazing I think she is. Welcome her AMB style and hopefully you can take something away from her story. Thank you Pam for being so candid with us today!
Motherhood is hard. Not new news, huh? There are books, talk shows, magazine articles and new stories offering unsolicited advice all about motherhood. Sheryl Sandberg just wrote a book telling moms to “lean in”, some say stay home, others want you to work all while creating some type of magical balance. I don’t know how I feel about all of the advice but I do know one thing: Motherhood is like trying to change a tire on a car while it’s moving. Like countless women who become mothers, I did what any self-respecting new mom would do. I went about the business of doing it ALL, being it all and trying to look exceedingly cute while doing so!
Nobody can multi-task like I can. I can literally sing along the latest Taylor Swift song playing on the radio (hey don’t judge me my daughter loves her!), put on lip liner and lipstick, drink my coffee, adjust my spanks, plan our menus for the week, pay bills online, sign homework folders, get the morning crust out of the eyes of both of my children, and dismount them from their car seats and not break a sweat.
In my head I’ve got it all figured out. I run our household with the precision of a military operation. Nobody can beat me when it comes to extraordinary family Christmas cards, awesome birthday parties, creative crafts, in-home campouts, cutely dressed kids and a daughter who has enough hair bows to start her own boutique. Our family dance contests are legendary.
Then motherhood came to a screeching halt one day in early November.
“Your son has autism”. That sentence changed the trajectory of my motherhood journey forever. When those words are spoken from a medical professional’s mouth, the world stops and a full set of emotions flow through your body in a short amount of time. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry, run or hit something. All I remember saying is, “what did you say?”
Let’s be clear- no Mom wants to hear that. It is one thing to suspect it could be so (which I did as early as 9 months old with Preston), but totally another to actually have it confirmed. One thing is for sure, I knew it then and I’m still sure of it now, my life has changed forever.
The result? I finally found the answer to the motherhood debate and it goes for all us, regardless of if you have a child with autism or not.
No need to “lean in” or try to find some magical balance (which by the way is a conspiracy that doesn’t exist). The solution for me has been to be still.
Yes, you read that right. Get quiet and be still. I know it is difficult and nobody knows how difficult it is more than I do. Like I mentioned, I’m a serial multi-tasker. But my decision to be still helped me unlock the beautiful and complex mystery of my son.
I finally had to admit to myself that I’ve been a spectator Mom. Whew- I said it. For those of you who don’t know what that means. A spectator Mom makes it happen from the sideline but never gets on the field
Now that I’ve learned to be still, here’s what I’ve learned.
No, I didn’t stop working and my schedule is still more packed than I would like, but my approach has changed. I am still first.
I chose to be still because:
I can be truly present for Preston’s journey.
I can understand what he is asking for even though he doesn’t really speak in full sentences.
I can teach him that snuggling and hugging is safe and good and not to be feared.
I can look into his eyes and he can look into mine and connect in a special way.
I won’t continue to react to people in a negative way when they say they are so sorry about Preston- people don’t know what to say!
I can watch Preston pick up a paintbrush for the first time and paint my furniture
I can watch him come alive with joy when he is around animals.
I can let Mommy guilt roll off my back and reflect on the victories of the day!
I can laugh at Preston’s quirky ways and cheer him on when he says a new word!
I can celebrate what may seem to others like small milestones that end up being big ones to me!
I can truly listen to the therapists and doctors who ask all sorts of questions.
In between therapy sessions we can go to the park and run like the wind.
I can turn on music and dance with him like nobody is watching.
I can be patient with my husband as he deals with the diagnosis of his only son, who leaves him wondering if he will still be the star football player he has dreamed of.
I can learn from all that Preston has taught me.
I can rewrap my dreams for Preston and help him discover his true talents.
Someone I truly admire and respect once told me that life is so daily. And it is just that- daily. Don’t miss it by filling it with what you think is urgent versus important.
I’ve realized you can miss the day by being swept up in the undertow of being busy. It is simply not enough to be busy. What are you busy about? I am busy being still. And that has opened me up to receive life changing and extraordinary moments with my son.
Thanks Preston.
April is Autism Awareness Month. The old me would have painted my house in the autism colors, held a forum to talk about the issues, become President of the national autism society, started an autism 5K, gone before congress for more programs, and worn an awareness tee-shirt for each day of the month.
Nope, not me. I’m going to pace myself. Right now I will be still.
Thanks Preston.
Do you have a personal experience with autism?
