Lost and Found :: Deciding on Divorce

I tried making this post short — I really did. But I just kept typing and typing … so get a cup of coffee and settle in for a long read. I’m hoping this post helps people understand where I’ve been. Why I write for Austin Moms Blog less and less. Why my appearance on Facebook has been close to non-existent. And why I don’t return texts or phone calls as quickly as I used to.

Today is August 25th. The first day of school for many in Austin. I’ve watched so many happy posts on Instagram with kids smiling and going to school! (and mamas smiling because, well, their kids are going to school). Today is also my 13th wedding anniversary. And it’s also the first day I’m living with *just* my two children. My husband moved out yesterday. Just like that — 15 years of memories walked out the door.

Let it sink in. Many people reading this are going to be shocked. Some might be mad that I didn’t call them and tell them personally. Some are going to be sad because they have been through this before and don’t want my children and me to go through this. And some just want to, “be in the know,” and gossip about it. You know instantly where you fall — and so do I.

Before it seems like I’m going “all woe is me,” — you should know that the decision for us to separate and divorce is mutual. It’s hard for both of us. We tried — we *really* tried. We knew we had more at stake than just our two hearts. And we broke our children’s hearts yesterday. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I cried until I was dehydrated.

Oh — and I’m not going to air what happened and when and who did what and who said what and all the dirty details. Really — those details are private and don’t matter anymore. And my husband is the father of my children. He will be in my life for the rest of my life and we need to co-parent the absolute best way that we can. So if you call and ask me anything, I’ll know that you just want to be “in the know” and that will be that. If you ask me any questions about who gets what and who is getting custody and who our lawyers are … blah blah blah — I will scream. The details aren’t important. What’s important? How our children are doing — what they are thinking, how they are coping. How are we doing? Are we eating and sleeping? When I said it’s hard on us all — it is. Pray for everyone in our family — or send us good vibes. Whatever it is you believe in — we would love the help!

Anyway …

Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost myself. I keep hoping I’ll wake up and feel found — or that I’ll have a clear answer to where my life is going or what my purpose is. I’ve been feeling so lost for so long that it feels like my new normal. It’s like I’m on this roller coaster that I don’t know how to escape. Where am I going? Why are there so many obstacles? What if this is as good as it gets? Is there love out there for me? Real love?

I’m keeping busy. Thankfully, I have an ironed down daily routine. I wake up and enjoy some silence while I sip on my coffee and say prayers of thanksgiving and ask for strength. My children wake up and greet me in their own way. My eight year old little girl, walks slowly while stretching and comes and snuggles. My four year old boy runs to me while clutching his Thomas pillow pet screaming, “mama.” Both are so very adorable. I’m a great mother. And I don’t mean that in an arrogant way — I just AM a great mother. Believe me, if I didn’t believe that I’m a great mother, I might have slipped into a deep depression or checked myself into a looney bin a long time ago. My children give me a reason to smile and are a reminder of some of the best things I’ve ever done. Plus, I see myself in their eyes — their behavior and mannerisms (for better or worse).

All spring and summer, I exercised with a group of women who I love more than they probably know. I believe everything happens for a reason and I truly believe God put them in my life at the very moment I needed them. He predicted the future before I ever knew what was coming. They make me laugh all day, every day. We started a group text back in April and it’s never stopped. That text thread has helped me in so many ways. It’s been a reminder that I make people laugh, that people love me for me, that I’m a good person. Sometimes these kinds of reminders are so important — especially to someone feeling as lost as me. To someone feeling as unloved as me.

Do we need a purpose in life? Certainly mine isn’t to *just* be a great mother. I want to be more than that — and to more people! Perhaps that’s why I feel so lost. How can I save the world when I feel so lost?

I read a quote almost everyday — it’s on my refrigerator by Souza:

“happiness is a journey, not a destination. for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.”

My goal in life is to be happy. To be *really* happy. To teach my children what love is — how it should look and feel. I want them to grow up in a house filled with love and laughter and not stress and angst. I want to give them everything. I want them to embrace fear and to live a life they love. And for me? I want to stop feeling lost. I want to be found.