austin-moms-blog-finding-yourself

Oh, hello there.  Miss me?  It’s been quite some time since I’ve written for Austin Moms Blog — so long that many new readers won’t have a clue as to who I am and that I prefer to write in never-ending run on sentences.  I write like we’re sitting and having coffee together.  So, grab your cup of coffee and delve in.

I wrote a blog, just about a year ago, about feeling lost.  So lost that many times I didn’t know which way was up, what I was doing and I certainly didn’t have a road map to get to a new place in my life.  I felt stuck in this life I chose — in search of happiness, in search of peace, in search of love.  In search of finding what makes me happy, what motivates me to be a better mother, a better daughter, a better friend and a better person. So, I went into a shell. A dark shell. I pulled away from my friends and family. I pushed people away that I love so far that I’ve lost a few forever.

No one gets married thinking they will get divorced. In fact, I think most people believe in happily ever after. You think that you won’t fight over clothes on the floor, or dishes in the sink, or how they chew or even sometimes how they breathe! You think — this is the love of my life and I can’t wait to grow old with them.

So when you get divorced, it’s difficult to explain what happens in your mind, your heart, your thoughts. It’s hard, so very hard, to know that someone fell out of love with you. That one day you were part of them and then one day you weren’t. One day you were their best friend and then one day you weren’t. It’s hard on a fragile ego. And the negative thought processes are hard to stop. They spiral out of control and no one can stop them but the person experiencing them.

So, I started planning a trip — to get my mind focused on something else, *anything* else. Plus, I was terrified of the summer break — two fifteen day periods away from my little loves.  The longest I’ve ever been away from them. And I was afraid that the shell I put myself in might explode with me in it!  At first, the trip was a pipe dream. After all, I’m a single mom on a budget.

But then I mentioned it to my sister in the spring and she was on board — let’s do it.   And she and I are the perfect travel companions — both cheap! We weren’t going to spend the night in five star hotels — we were going to see the world! But not many people would be on board with traveling like we did!  She said it’s Wanderlust.  And, embarrassingly enough, I had no clue what that was. “Wanderlust: An irresistible desire to travel to understand one’s very existence.”

The planning began. We met and chatted about where we wanted to go and what we wanted to see.   We met at the bookstore and started researching countries.  And still, it felt like a pipe dream.  We hadn’t booked any tickets.  I hadn’t told but one person we were thinking of planning a trip.  And then, on May 19th, we booked our flights for an 18 day trip to four different countries.    And  then we met in June and in eight hours we booked the entire trip: train tickets from city to city, one over night train, a one way flight, and lodging at hostels and private homes on airbnb.

I was excited and nervous and ready to get out of my own head. And the trip was amazing.  Tiring. But amazing. We went to Germany, Austria, the Czech Republic and Poland. I focused on the beauty we were seeing. The details of each city. The culture. The history in the buildings.  The history of the war. The food.  And, of course, the beer. I journaled when I felt horrible thoughts creeping in my brain.  I put together a list of things I want in my future.  I wrote things I love about myself — things that make me special and lovable.   When I felt sad, I wrote it out and got it out of my head.

Being alone isn’t such a bad thing.  It’s a good time for self reflection.  It’s a good time to realize all of your virtues. To find happy all on your own. Realizing I’m doing this all on my own and I’m doing a pretty amazing job at it. I found my smile again and I didn’t need anyone else to do it. I just needed out of my own head for awhile.

I can’t lie — when I got home and walked in the door, some of the wind was knocked out of my sail. The realities of my life didn’t disappear just because I did for a bit!  And losing people who can’t stick around for your journey does that to you — but I can feel myself growing.  And growing alone with two amazing children. I’m still not 100% ready to date — but one day. Maybe.

And to keep the momentum of happy going — I started a new project.  #100HapppyDays! August 4th was day one and you can follow along on my Instagram Account.

Fun images from a Europe trip by Katie Starr Photography-20Fun images from a Europe trip by Katie Starr Photography-21Fun images from a Europe trip by Katie Starr Photography-7Fun images from a Europe trip by Katie Starr Photography-5Fun images from a Europe trip by Katie Starr Photography-2

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