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I’m not even going to to try to pretend that there is a woman out there who doesn’t love Target. Someone who isn’t enamored by the bullseye *might* exist…but I’m highly doubtful. And now with word on the street of the supposed store in Chicago that’s going to have a bar of some sort? Like INSIDE THE STORE?!?  Just stop it.    

As much as I’ve fallen under the allure of all the pretty things at Target there is one area of the shopping experience that causes great anxiety. I mean, I like to shop there and sooo many others do too. What if I run into someone that I know while there??? For an introvert like me, the very thought of running into someone and dancing around conversation feels daunting.

I could hang my head low and slump over the red plastic handle of the cart in hopes of avoiding eye contact but that would look odd (and really should be reserved for those mornings after a ladies’ night involving too many libations). You know what I’m talking about. Instead, a more suitable option to navigate those aisles in peace is to find ways to move about the store as if you’re a practiced ballerina (it IS a fine art after all).

Perhaps upon catching a glimpse of that kid’s mom who you know (but don’t really know) you could speed your cart over to the greeting card section and study those cards like you’ve never seen one before. And when there’s a sighting of that mom who can talk like there’s no tomorrow, think END CAP! Did you know that those end cap displays are chock full of clearance items (that you don’t need) but allow for avoidance on two separate aisles? Um, yes please. Don’t forget about all those pillows that need to be groped and fondled. The pillow aisle is a great place to purposefully hide your face and escape a chance encounter.

In another part of the store there is usually a small section dedicated to mason jars and very specific kitchen tools (hellooo melon baller!). You can always intensely hunt for one of those oddities and still have the vacuum bag display in close reach if you have to make a quick shift. No one really shops for vitamins at Target (how boring!) so you can always hang over by the pharmacy as another option to stay out of the fray.

The trickiest areas in the store to wait out small talk are the clothing sections. They are so densely packed with goods that you can either utilize the tight space to sneak through the racks like a soldier moving through the trenches, OR it’s highly possible you will ram your cart into a rack and get stuck only to be trapped like a wounded animal. Make good choices, people.

There is also quite a high probability that you will just be moving through open territory, minding your own business, when suddenly, the commercial fluorescent lighting will make you easy prey to Ms. Chatterbox. At that point you have to be resourceful and whip your cell phone out, hop on the Cartwheel app, and intensely search the hell out of the coupons like you’re trying to balance the national budget.

Now, I’m not saying I’ve ever done ANY of these things. Sort of. Mostly. What is more likely to happen when I see you at Target is I’ll lift my eyes and give a friendly hello and everything will be just fine. But gosh, my poor little introverted soul sure likes to dream.

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