austin-moms-blog-infertility

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you’re falling fast towards the ground and you can’t do anything to stop it? And then, picture right in the middle of your fall, someone is there in a calm voice telling you to ‘just relax’. Could you do it? Could you relax??

Anyone who has lived with infertility will be quite familiar with the infuriating sentiment that relaxation is the key to procreation.

And anyone who has lived with infertility will know that that statement is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

Trying to have a baby can likely be one of the most hopeful times in a person’s life. When things don’t go according to plan, it can quickly become one of the most hopeless times. For example, when my husband and I started our journey to have a family we happily threw the birth control out the window and waited for nature to take it’s course. But, for us, nature was one ugly mother. There was lots of waiting, counting days, taking temperatures, studying pee sticks. And still…crickets.

We talked to a doctor or two, waited for a bit more, and then made our way to the big guns in town. A protocol of Clomid was prescribed and then we moved on to six medicated IUIs. And then…drum roll…INSURANCE. Once we were staring down the barrel of IVF, we tried to make some adjustments to our insurance plan to add IVF coverage (without delving too deep into semantics, ‘coverage’ should be applied like a threadbare sheet in this situation). Still, in the end, we were royally screwed over by insurance and out of pocket a pretty penny.  

Next, I underwent a surgery to remove endometriosis and then we began our first IVF cycle. One egg retrieval later and our swimmers and eggs did their thing. We transferred two embryos on that cycle and things didn’t go as planned. Again. With three embryos left in the bank we decided to risk everything and transfer all of them (at the strong discouragement of our doc). That frozen cycle resulted in our daughter. Hope restored!

The two previous paragraphs succinctly describing our journey to our first child represent the logical way a brain needs to dissect the process into steps or milestones. Typically a ‘process’ will yield some outcome and results, right? There is a great deal of ‘other’ that is left out above and accompany the struggle. Remember the reference at the beginning of this post about the dream of falling quickly to the ground? That is basically what infertility truly feels like (to me at least). While moving through the steps of infertility, the emotions, the medicines, the shots, the unwelcome pregnancy announcements by friends, the failed cycles, are all rushing past you like that dream. Your life feels like one big unhappy blur. And you can’t stop it.

On the flip side to the doom and gloom, one of the brightest spots during your journey with infertility is your village. Find them and then hold on for dear life. When I was dealing with everything I started a blog and connected with other wonderful women who became my life preservers. With each supportive and “I get exactly where you’re coming from” comment, they kept me afloat in a very stormy sea. And being able to write under an alias and get out my most inner thoughts (like fessing up to the intense crying sessions behind the smiles I mustered when my closest friends were expecting) felt incredibly liberating. Venting is necessary with infertility, but reality dictates that you can’t go out and burn every bridge you’ve ever built. If you desire face-to-face interaction with other women in the same boat there are various groups that meet to provide support, namely RESOLVE.   

No matter the method, your village will be there for you in the best possible way. And due to infertility, if you become pregnant, you will understand if one of your people needs to step away for awhile because of the painful reminder (it comes with the territory). To this day, almost ten years later, there are 2 people in my village that hold special places in my heart because we were there for each other during the process and we have seen each other find our way to motherhood and beyond.

Infertility can bring about a great deal of IF/when/but/maybe to your life. Unfortunately there isn’t anything about the situation that is textbook and there is no beautiful bow to wrap on this package. My only advice would be to love yourself and to stay strong. And when you can’t be the strong one, rely on those you meet along the way to hold you up and keep you going.   

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