What I want for Father’s Day, a letter to my kid
Sleep. I can’t stress this enough. I haven’t gotten eight hours of sleep since “The Office” was on. Sometimes I hallucinate and think I actually work at Dunder Mifflin. Just sleep in, for once. Sleep until 7 a.m. Hell, maybe 8 – treat yourself!
More sleep. When you finally wake up, don’t bang on my bedroom door like the police looking for a bank robber. Just go into the den and turn on Netflix. And make sure you watch only kids’ shows. Just kidding, I’m asleep, marathon “Daredevil” for all I care.
Breakfast. I want to go to breakfast today. Without children. I haven’t enjoyed a meal in a restaurant in three years. I want to enjoy some migas without having to escort you to the bathroom every five minutes. Or look apologetic to other diners because you’re crying that you can’t eat all the sugar packets.
Try not to actively kill yourself. You know why adults don’t run into things full speed? Or jump off high places? Because it hurts. (Also because we’re overweight from years of office jobs. But mostly because we’re smart.) Daddy’s not trying to prevent you from having a good time, he’s just trying to have grandchildren one day.
No crying. If we’re at the park and I say it’s time to go, don’t scream like you just learned that your entire family was murdered. Just say, “Ok, daddy.” The shock would knock me out for an hour. Which just means more playground time for you.
For the love of God, eat your dinner. Just eat that single stalk of broccoli that I put on your plate to make up for all the microwaved chicken nuggets. I know you don’t like broccoli. Nobody does. Those Whole Foods employees are full of crap. Eat it anyway. Also, we can’t eat candy at 8 p.m. I know. Life sucks.
Entertain yourself. You see that closet overflowing with toys, like a landfill in Brazil? You wanted those, once upon a time. And I can’t send them back to Amazon, now. What about all those books on your shelf? You know how much your dad would love to have a day with nothing to do but READ? Why am I telling you this, you haven’t developed empathy yet.
GO TO SLEEP. Please. Your dad just wants to go to his room, re-watch “The Wire” for the 10th time, and pretend he’s Omar.
That’s all. I love you a lot. And one day when you’re older, I look forward to receiving all the ties you remembered to buy at the last minute.
Brian Gaar is the host of “ATX Uncensored(ish),” a comedy show that airs in Austin after “Saturday Night Live.” You can follow him on Twitter: @briangaar