55 Reasons Why We Are Bad Moms

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If you’re a mom chances are you’ve seen the movie, Bad Moms. While the movie stretches the motherhood truth just a tad, it is undeniably hysterical. One of our favorite parts is when all the mamas therapeutically share the many reasons why they suck as moms. We thought we’d have a little fun and share some of the 55 reasons why we sometimes suck at motherhood.

55 Reasons Why We Are Bad Moms

***disclaimer :: no tiny humans were harmed in the making of this article ***  

  1. I locked my kids in the car and had to call 911.
  2. Literally the ONLY time my kids get their fingernails and toenails clipped is when they go to stay with mother-in-law. Which thankfully, is SOMEWHAT frequently.
  3. I drink coffee every single day… and I am pregnant.
  4. To buy myself some work time, I’ll give my daughter snacks that she can walk around with because the dogs will follow her and a game of feeding the dogs will ensue for 30 minutes to one hour. Keeps the dogs and the tot busy!
  5. I’ve allowed my boys to play video games most of the day so that I can get work done for the upcoming school year!
  6. I drink. Every. Single. Night.
  7. I tell my kids they can’t eat cake batter because it’s bad for them and then I lick the bowl clean.
  8. I’ve used Mickey Mouse Clubhouse as a babysitter all summer long.
  9. I drink “just a little bit” after a really hard day with the tot.
  10. My kid knows every word to Eric Church’s “Wrecking Ball”. Look up the lyrics, then cringe.
  11. I curse and plan to continue cursing in front of my kid…
  12. I dropped my six year old off at Vacation Bible School, and only AFTER he walked off did I realize he was wearing Deep Eddy Vodka sunglasses.
  13. I drove 45 minutes before I realized I hadn’t buckled my newborn into the car seat.
  14. My 2 year old drank my husband’s vodka on ice… because it looked like water.
  15. I spent a crap load of money buying my kids organic junk food. Cookies, candy, fruit snacks. Sugary as all get-out, but I feel like it’s ok, because it’s organic.
  16. I’m on Facebook while my kids are pulling all the books off the library shelves. I don’t care.
  17. My kids eat frozen food for breakfast M-F.
  18. I have never mopped. In fact I don’t own a mop.
  19. My two year old says “buttcrack” every 20 minutes just for the hell of it. He will even pass by people at the grocery store, and say, “hi buttcrack!”
  20. I totally just let my daughter eat the “crackers” she found in the crevices of her car seat.
  21. My toddler sticks her tongue out every time she sees my phone because she thinks the snapchat puppy filter will pop up which means I snapchat my child far too often.
  22. Snacks have been dinner multiple times, because I was exhausted and didn’t want to deal with screaming kids.
  23. We listened to “Serial” Season 1 (a true crime podcast) on a road trip while the boys were occupied with a movie in the backseat with their headphones on. The podcast includes some pretty grisly murder details, and after who knows how many episodes, we heard a 7-year-old voice from the back seat ask:”Why is there so much crime in Baltimore?”
  24. I sometimes wonder if I have a drinking problem. Not because I drink too much…I don’t….but because every day of the summer so far, by about 3:00, I look at the clock and wonder how many more hours until it is an acceptable, non-drinking problem, time to pour a drink. I’ve heard other people say they do this, and maybe jokingly, but I am serious
  25. I look forward to the nights when hubs works late. Not because I don’t like him, but because I don’t have to prepare a full meal. Those nights consist of frozen fish sticks and tator tots, make your own Mexican pizza or make your own sandwiches. No prep time needed.
  26. I’ve started giving my two year old melatonin before bed every night. It’s “for kids” and “all natural” supposedly, but in all honesty, I’m not even sure I’d care if it wasn’t. We moved him to a big boy bed, and suddenly he was awake and roaming around until 11 every night.
  27. One time my husband and I were arguing and I saw our daughter eating dog food out of the canister like pop corn, just watching us – and I decided to keep arguing instead of stopping her.
  28. My friends always applaud me for being a role model for gentle parenting, but I get pissed behind closed doors and yell at everyone. And immediately feel like the world’s worst mom and biggest fraud.
  29. I occasionally tell my husband I have a migraine just so that I can hide in a dark room and leave him to deal with the three life suckers.
  30. I forget to write thank you notes 99% of the time.
  31. I let my toddler watch cartoons on my phone, in my bed, every morning while I get more sleep.
  32. My nanny/babysitter is the tv. I can’t clean the house without it.
  33. I spend most of that ‘bonding’ nursing time watching shows, playing games, facebooking, or whatever on my phone. I even dropped the phone on her head at least once…
  34. I cuss like a sailor but won’t let my teen/pre teens even say butt, crap or stupid. I’m a huge hypocrite and I’m not sorry!!!
  35. Squeezie packets are consumed daily in our house. Organic on the front makes me feel better.
  36. I got an ironing board/iron out the other day and my four year old asked what it was…
  37. I don’t buy my kids birthday or Christmas presents. I regift them something someone else gave them the year before.
  38. One time I was whining about having to work late unexpectedly, when my coworker said, “Well at least you didn’t have to pick up your kid from daycare or anything.” And that’s when I remembered I needed to pick my kid up from daycare. An hour ago.
  39. My kindergartener was tardy about 12 times last year.
  40. Ever since my kid was 4, he wakes himself up, gets himself dressed, pours a bowl of cereal, then comes to my room to wake me up. 90% of the time I say, “5 more minutes” in my sleepy voice.
  41. My kid thinks the tooth fairy only visits other kids 🙁 because she has “forgotten” all except one of his lost teeth.
  42. I read a study (okay, the headline of a study) claiming it is best if children don’t bathe every night. I deflect to that study on the hard days when I’m just too tired, abandoning bath time because I’m “helping to preserve their natural bacterial biome” or something like that.
  43. I feed my kid wheat bread and healthy snacks and he just found out what an Oreo is a couple of years ago. But I’ve had a secret stash of white bread, Oreos, Hot Pockets, and all the other 90s-kid food I can’t part with. He still has no idea.
  44. Our gym childcare has a 2 hour limit so I take a one hour class and then find a quiet corner to sit and watch an episode of The Good Wife or mindlessly scroll Instagram for the next hour.
  45. My kid crapped in the sand pit and I used a shovel to scoop it out then let him keep playing.
  46. Sometimes I put my toddler to bed early on Mondays so I can watch “The Bachelor” and drink wine.
  47. I let my kid watch The Goonies and didn’t realize how often they say “$H!T”. Oops..let’s call it a vocabulary learning moment.
  48. I don’t pump and dump.
  49. When my first child was four days old….four days old…..it was our first night home from the hospital, and he wouldn’t stop crying. Not even for two minutes at a time. My husband asked him, “what in the hell is wrong, you little mother-bleeper??”. Because that’s a totally reasonable thing to do.
  50. My one year old’s favorite album is “Lemonade”… The explicit version ?
  51. My two year old came walking up to us from across the patio the other day, sipping on a Dos Equis.
  52. My kids know and often sing every word of Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Mickey Mouse, & Doc McStuffins
  53. When my oldest asks why he can’t hang out with his best friend I say that it’s because they moved too far away, but the truth is I had a huge falling out with his mama that ended our relationship.
  54. I sometimes take two, even three showers a day, just so I can lock myself in the bathroom and breathe when I feel like I am about to snap.
  55. I slammed my toddler’s hand in the car door… and then the door locked.

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