As moms, we work hard to find a good balance. Every mom I know has struggled with this. We make our parenting decisions based on our own personal experiences and the personalities of each of our children. In the end, we are like snowflakes: no two moms are exactly alike in the way we parent our children. I’ve seen the categories we can be classified into. But I highly doubt that any of us fit nice and neat into any one square box.
We are each parenting our own way, day by day. We might even change our techniques over time, clumsily trying to figure it out as we go.
This process is made even more difficult when a well meaning- or possibly unaware- person intervenes in our parenting. In discussing the issue with other moms, I’ve come to the understanding that interference (due to differences in parenting styles) is frustrating our attempts at parenting.
For the mom who coaxes her son into trying new things: let’s not be quick to classify her as a helicopter mom. She sees the opportunity for her timid son to learn and grow and she is helping him on that journey. Let’s try to appreciate the effort she is putting into teaching and guiding. Let’s not correct her, “Let him do it at his own pace.”
For the mom who seems to avoid conflict with her child: let’s not be quick to call her a permissive parent. Sometimes discipline is a personal matter and doesn’t need to be displayed publicly. Maybe she has seen there is more success in reaching her child’s heart when discussing situations after the child’s initial emotional reaction has subsided. Let’s not presume to discipline her child for her.
For the mom sitting on the bench at the park while her seemingly small child attempts to navigate the play structures on his own: let’s not be quick to call her neglectful. Instead, consider that she might value the independence her child is developing. Let’s not hover nervously over her kid.
I’m not saying “don’t step in if a child is in imminent danger of hurting him/herself or others.” There just doesn’t seem to be any good that comes from classifying different categories of parenting. Instead of helping us to understand each other there’s a tendency to create the “Us vs. Them” mentality. As a result, we put ourselves at risk of shutting off our ability to learn from one another. And boy, do we have a lot to learn!
Embracing each others right to choose how to parent, even when- especially when– different from our own is an important step to teaching tolerance and acceptance to this upcoming generation.
Natural birth. Epidural. C-section. Breastfed. Bottle fed. Stay at home mom. Work from home mom. Working mom. Homemade baby food. Purees. Baby led weaning. Co-sleeping. Sleep training. Cloth diapers. Disposable diapers. Spanking. Time out. Potty training. Fast food. Organic food. Circumcision. When to wean. Public school. Homeschool. Unschool. Screen time. Bed time. I don’t even dare include the V-word; I’ve seen what that does to the comments section.
These topics can potentially be divisive, given that we all have to pick what we think is best; but that doesn’t make the other choices “bad” or “wrong”. Yes, “it takes a village”… but it takes a village of support, not one of criticism and overcorrection. Not one of shutting out people with a different family style, different mindset, or different house rules. In other words, trust each other to parent.
