I’d read the articles and heard the stories of infant loss. My heart ached for moms who never got to hold their babies or those who did but not for long enough. It seems so incomprehensible, but the reality is that one in four women will experience miscarriage, stillborn, or infant loss in our country. That rate dramatically increases as you look at less developed countries.
When I was pregnant with my first I knew before any test that I was pregnant. Nausea set in super early and every smell affected me like it never had. I got two negative tests before a positive. So when it happened again I knew. I was weighing all the things that would change and then it was gone.
Mid-morning on a weekend I started experiencing intense cramping and by that evening I was bleeding. My doctor later told me that there is such a thing as being “a little” pregnant. It didn’t hit me at first because I tried to tell myself I hadn’t been pregnant for long enough. We literally found out for sure that we had been because we lost it. But one morning it just washed over me, this dark heavy anguish you’re not sure you can come out of that leaves an indelible mark on your heart. There is no denying it.
When I reached out to other moms I found out how common my loss was. It helped more than I can say to be embraced by others who knew my pain all too well because they carried it every day. This connection affects all women no matter our economic level, race, religion, or ethnicity. From the outside it is easy to judge that an early pregnancy loss is easier than a later one or that a miscarriage is easier than infant loss but if you’ve experienced it you don’t compare. Losing a child at any age or stage hurts in a way nothing else ever has or will. It is the greatest fear of every mother.
But just like every generation from those that knew this pain more than we, to those who share it with us today, we will endure and we will go forward. You never heal or forget, rather you honor your child through your life, through how you carry on as a woman and the mother you are for your angel babies.
Austin Moms Blog has a wall dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance. Those little lives, however brief, made an impact. If you’d like to add your baby to the wall, we would be honored to remember them with you.
