I’m Not the Mom I Thought I’d Be

not the mom I thought I'd be
I used to be such an amazing mom, I really was! I would never allow my kids to watch TV or play with electronics. They would never eat processed or sugary foods. Best of all, my kids were perfect. They excelled in everything they did, were the best students, athletes and little human beings ever. 
Our lives were just absolutely perfect!
Until one day something happened. In one split second all of that changed forever.
I *actually* had a baby (well, two babies, but that’s besides the point). 
You see before actually becoming a mom, I had this grand idea of what I would be. I was going to have the most beautiful and amazing pregnancy and birth imaginable. I would be calm and kind, yet firm and caring. I would only give my children the best of the best. I would never buy second hand, and I would never go to the store or run errands when my children were not presentable. 
I also had a vision of what my children would be. Obviously, they were perfect. I mean hello, aren’t all of our kids perfect. They would be the top of their class, the best soccer player and the top performing gymnast in town. Not to mention they were friends with everyone. 
But, it didn’t take long for things to change (mostly my attitude). I should have known better really. I’m not the mom I thought I’d be.
One thing I have always believed is that its real hard to have an opinion on something when you aren’t educated or experienced on the subject matter. 
You see, my pregnancy and birth were far from perfect. I was extremely high risk and spent 60 long days on hospital bed rest before delivering my girls via emergency c-section at just 31 weeks. 
My girls were born directly in to the most imperfect situation possible. They were born directly in to the greatest fight of their lives. Fighting FOR their lives. Not even able to breath on their own. Their first 55 & 80 days of life were lived in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. 
Sounds far from perfect, right. You’ll start to see a trend here…
We soon learned that one of our girls had some major health concerns. She was diagnosed with two rare disorders. Both of which impact her daily life, and will for the rest of her life. 
After they came home and we started a care plan for our daughter, life started to normalize a bit. We plug along as any family would. Our lives are of course different, having a medically complex child, but we live as normal as possible… and *gasp*… here’s the kicker, I started to find myself in situations where I wasn’t the mom I had so pictured myself to be. 
I get upset and raise my voice. 
My patience runs thin and I don’t handle all situations with calmness and grace. 
I’ve let my children cry it out, because losing my mind was the alternative. 
My girls watch TV and have their own electronics. 
They’ve eaten cake pops for lunch and happy meals for dinner. 
We’ve gone to the store in our jammies with our hair looking like a hot mess. 
My daughters may not be the best athletes at their school. 
They may not graduate at the top of their class. 
My medically complex daughter, may not be able to even walk up stairs or run. 
They wear second hand clothes (hello, Matilda Jane B/S/T)
They might not be liked by everyone (but they will be kind). 
I’ve realized, I’m just not the mom I thought I’d be… 
I’m something far better. 
I’m a perfectly imperfect mom who tries her hardest. 
I’m a special needs mom. I’m a be silly and play with my kids mom. I’m a kissy, lovey, huggy mom. I’m a sometimes I lose my cool and have no patience mom. I’m a don’t care what people think of me or my family mom. 
I’m just a mom who is trying to do her best, and raise amazing little humans. 
..and you know what, I’ve never been happier, I’ve never been prouder. 
I’m thankful my grand idea of motherhood didn’t turn out how I pictured. My journey of motherhood is far better than anything I could have ever imagined.
I’m the mom my babies need, and they are everything I ever wanted. 

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