I’m the mom at the playground who smiles when you smile at me. I follow my toddler around, talking to her, trying to look consumed by motherhood. I push my daughter on the swing next to your toddler, smiling and laughing with her. I’m never the first one to talk because in my head, I’m fumbling over what to say. I worry that I should have worn work out clothes too, that I’m dressing too young. I worry that you might think I’m not raising my kid the right way, that you’ll judge me. Maybe you’re not a daycare mom or a working mom, but I am. I don’t want you to feel awkward if you’re not, I love and respect stay-at-home moms too! So I say nothing, I stand there, pushing my toddler back and forth, back and forth, waiting for you to talk first.
I’m an introvert with anxiety, plotting my every move and conversation. I practice in my head before saying it out loud. When the conversation flows, I back step, worrying I’ve said the wrong thing. On my way home, I go over the conversation in my head, I shouldn’t have said that. I should have gotten her number, no that would have been weird. So if the conversation happens I end with, “hopefully we’ll see you again.” I really hope we do.
Isn’t making mom friends like dating? I remember my late teens and early 20s, the same awkwardness, wondering if I should talk to the boy at the bar. We don’t have the social lubricant of alcohol, coffee will have to do at the park. I wonder if I should text the one mom whose number I got and have the same nervousness wondering when and if she will text me back.
My husband is the opposite, a text book extrovert, funny and charming. He’ll talk to anyone and he tries to make me friends. It feels like when your mom had to try to make you friends in elementary or middle school, except I never needed that, I was social and confident then. I try to remind him to invite that one couple with the toddler over, but it’s not urgent to him. He gets his social fix.
I remember the early days, and maybe that’s where I got caught. I remember the lonely feelings, being stuck inside my house with postpartum depression, feeling too stressed to go anywhere with my baby. Everything felt so big and scary. I packed my diaper bag as if the world was ending, bottles and snacks for days, two changes of clothes, toys to keep her distracted. It weighed me down and weighed me down.
My friends are having babies now, but I was the first. I see how easy they make it look. They are effortless, graceful even. One friend carries a chic suede purse that hangs from her side, the baby in a wrap, leaving the rest in the car. She stands, rocking her baby while I sit in the cafe barstool, drinking her coffee, not worrying if it will drip on the baby’s head. There are no bags under her eyes. She is put together.
My friend is the opposite of me at that stage. When my baby was three-months-old, I was stressed and scared. I knew what the feeling sneaking up on me was. I knew that everyday when the afternoon hit, it wasn’t normal to be stuck to the floor like a magnet. When I took her out to music class or the children’s museum, one big outing for the day, I hoped to lock eyes with a mom and for her to tell me that she felt that way too. It seemed that no one felt the same. It seemed they all loved to be a mom. So I pretended I did too.
After 6 months, I knew it was postpartum depression. After 9 months, I went back to my therapist, head down, feeling defeated. Motherhood got me. At 12 months, I decided to seek out group therapy but it was too late, the groups were for moms with babies under 12 months, the ones in the throws of postpartum depression. At 15 months I went on medication. At 15 months, I finally got it. I loved being a mom, I could do it.
My daughter just turned two. I planned an elaborate party, wanting to mom as hard as I could. I made “Go, Dog! Go” decorations and shelled out for a traveling petting zoo. As I realized the extravagance I’d put in to a two year olds birthday, I realized she only had two real friends. I invited everyone I could, moms I liked but hadn’t hung out with much before. I hoped the kids would come, but they didn’t. My lack of mom friends affected not only me, but my daughter.
I should have exchanged numbers with the mom I liked from music class, or tried to set up a play date with the other mom I knew with kids the same age. I should have tried to talk more, to say “hey, we should grab coffee,” or “lets go to that brewery with the kids sometime,” because what do I have to lose but a potential friend?
It was so easy in our early 20s over drinks. It got a little harder in my mid-20s when the hard partying allure began to wear. Why is it so dang hard once you get close to or hit 30? We assume moms already have their group, that they don’t want to expand to one more. As an introvert, I crave intimate conversations, so mom groups where I don’t know anyone are tough and anxiety producing.
I’ve laid it all out now. It’s a quiet desperation, the craving for friendship, but it doesn’t have to be. So if you like long walks around the greenbelt, true crime podcasts that scare the pants off you, Bordeaux, books, and Stevie Nicks, I might be the friend for you. I’ll be the socially awkward mom pushing her toddler on the swing, wondering if and when I should talk to you, and what about. If I promise to put myself out there, and exchange numbers, perhaps you’ll have the courage to do the same.
There were so many parts of this that were exactly me, holy cats. I too am a socially awkward mom. I lived in SW Austin until a year ago and struggled to find a mom group, mom friend, anything, after my kids were born. I would have loved to have had a support group and or a circle of friends, but I had no idea how to go about finding that. Becoming a mom was incredibly overwhelming to me, happy at parts but paralyzingly at others. The First of my friends group to have kids too so I felt like I didn’t have anyone to swap issues and stories with and the parent thing set us apart quickly. The lack of connectedness… It was isolating. I was a teacher so didn’t really notice this as much while school was in session, but then when school was out for the summer, and I would try to mom-so-hard to make up for lost time and all the mom groups seemed established, sigh. I kept wondering how they all met each other and did I miss the memo on where to join mom groups. I would agree that it does get easier as the kids get older. Once we hit ages 3&5 with my two, the socializing got a little easier, and then we moved. Our new town is so small, lots of small towners here, and with that, some people reluctant to get know one of the “outsiders”. Most of the people I have met and become mom friends with are also people that just moved here. It has gotten easier, I just wish that mom groups and friendships were more accessible to parents. Thanks for posting this!
Ah, it is so good to know that I’m not alone! When I was younger, I had plenty of friends and never cared about those who didn’t want to be my friend. But now, my daughter is in a preschool where there is definitely an in-crowd, and we aren’t a part of it. I spent tons of time and effort volunteering for the school, hoping to make my way in, to no avail. We keep birthday parties as family occasions, not only because I am scared no one will come, but because I dread being left out in my own house.
Oh my gawsh! you hit it on the money. Talk about socially awkward! I’ve lived in NW Austin almost my whole life. I became a mom late in the game. At 37; in now 43 with a 6 year old. Holy cow, talk about awkward and trying to find “that mom group.” I work full time, so I get left out of the summer (daytime) play dates. When I try to set something up for later in the day or weekend…then it becomes family time for them. I suffered postpartum depression and I didn’t tell a soul; just my husband. I try to be involved in his classroom, but the moms have their groups already set up, they don’t need me. What can I possibly have in common with them? Its tough, i tell ya! Thank you for being so bold and transparent! Thank you for writing this and letting us, socially awkward moms, know that we’re not alone. 🙂
Oh my gawsh! you hit it on the money. Talk about socially awkward! I’ve lived in NW Austin almost my whole life. I became a mom late in the game. At 37; in now 43 with a 6 year old. Holy cow, talk about awkward and trying to find “that mom group.” I work full time, so I get left out of the summer (daytime) play dates. When I try to set something up for later in the day or weekend…then it becomes family time for them. I suffered postpartum depression and I didn’t tell a soul; just my husband. I try to be involved in his classroom, but the moms have their groups already set up, they don’t need me. What can I possibly have in common with them? Its tough, i tell ya! Thank you for being so bold and transparent! Thank you for writing this and letting us, socially awkward moms, know that we’re not alone. 🙂
Thank you for writing this article! I can relate so well to pretty much everything you have written. Its good to know that i am not alone in feeling this way 😊 I know i personally need to try harder to open up at the play ground as well and If we ever cross paths i will make sure to say hi!
This is so me! Cheers to introverts. I’m a single mother of 3 boys. Their ages range from 4-9. I would love to make new connections not only between moms but also for the kids. Yes, let’s definitely start a networking group. I’m in!
A bit late to the game but has anyone commenting (including Ilyse) tried to get together? If so, how do I join in?! My knees almost hit the ground when I read this, like I’m sure everyone else here. I drove up to a playground the other day and my body tried to eject from the situation, gunning for reverse drive upon seeing an already established, picture perfect looking moms, mommy group. I stayed a record breaking 20 minutes before heading out, blaming the wind *what???* *eye roll* *red face*
Can we all be friends? If you promise to exclude the “first impression” rule and also apply that to the next 4 meet and greets (I’m trying to underball my number to look better) I swear I’m funny and snarky yet non jugemental, perfectly spineless, and loyal af. < so glad I’m not trying to snag a husband with this sales pitch. Yikes. Anyway, I’d be happy to start a meetup group if it hasn’t happened already – no promises on following through past that point. It will take days, maybe weeks to recover from applying for this leadership position.
I feel exactly the same! I’m diagnosed as having depression. Its so hard to mother a child when one is depressed but i try as hard as I can. But most days I just feel Im the worst mom in the whole wide world and every other Mom is so happy and perfect. I was at the park today with my son and all that was going through my head was “Should I say hi” etc..but never got the courage.