Christmas season is my FAVORITE time of year!!! I love the obnoxiousness of the sights and sounds, the over indulgence of holiday garb, treats, and eats, the parties, the ugly sweaters, the occasional Texas cold snap, and the crammed calendars. And I looove taking my kids to all the light shows, the Santas, and over-rated holiday events.
I KNOW this is not what Christmas is about. I also love this season for religious reasons, the contagious spirit of giving and volunteering, and the overreaching joyful spirits. But when I think about this season–the first thought that comes to mind is chaos. And believe it or not, I mean that in the most beautiful way.
But with all that is obnoxious yet paradoxically beautiful, also comes all that is… well just plain obnoxious. And if you have a toddler, or a child period, you MAY relate to this sentiment. I mean we don’t do the whole “elf on the shelf thing” personally, and my toddler doesn’t know much about the deets surrounding Santa’s deliverance, but I do get why these traditions were invented. And don’t get me wrong, just as I LOVE the over the top commercial obnoxiousness that is Christmas, I also love my toddler, and I truly LOVE the toddler stage–believe it or not. But to be completely honest, the season for indulgence seems to directly correlate to the season of tantrums (at least in our house).
So we’ve established that I really love my kids–I just want to qualify my sarcastic sentiments that are about to follow. And on this note, I would also like to say, I really love my wine. But don’t worry, when kids are in the house I can guarantee sobriety because like my cold coffee I reheat no less than ten times a day only to finally give up at the end of the day and toss the completely full mug into the sink, my wine is more of a sip and savor that sits beside my bed, and shows up the next morning 90% full as some kind of ironic juxtaposition resembling the chaos that mandated just a sip, yet only a sip.
So without further ado, here it is, my very NOT politically correct, generic (because seriously my wine knowledge actually just entails bubbles, white and red) holiday guide to tantrums and
whine wine (I tried so hard to resist the pun).
- Champagne, Sparkling Brut, Cava, and Prosecco: This bubbly is synonymous for all things celebratory, baby shower, and brunch. In mama world, this is the positive note of enhancement. This is your kid-free date night (before you are abruptly called back home) or your 11 AM, “This is going to be a great day/year/season” drink. AKA… this is your drink of denial. You have an amazing day planned for your children, and you are SOOO excited about it. Maybe later you are going Christmas shopping together at the Domain, and while there, going to squeeze in fun kid friendly activities and a Santa visit. All will be beautiful and great today. Warning: The bubbles have gone to your head, and you are now living inside them.
- White Wine (Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay): The ONLY, and I mean ONLY, reason I drink white wine when it is not summer is when I am terrified that if I was to drink red wine, my outfit would be covered in it. My reflexes are still slow to spills, and my toddlers are handsy (understatement of the century). So this is the wine you might pair with an optimistically nice “Mom” outfit, and particularly needy small children. They haven’t lost their minds yet, but your children have been up for no more than 4 hours and your name has been screamed no less than 100 times today. Keep your head in the game Mama. You can’t afford to lose your cool when your outfit is irreparably damaged. It isn’t fair, but only people below four feet are allowed on this tantrum ride, so for now stick with black clothes, or white wine! You’re welcome!
- The Reds. From your pinot noirs, sangioveses, chiantis, merlots, cabs, malbecs, and sirrahs, this is the wine of one of those “AGHHHHHHHHHHH” days. You have been persecuted for adding pretzels to your toddler’s bowl that had “two” pretzels in it (that was the exact number wanted duh Mom), and then again sentenced to piercing squeals as the lonesome two pretzels were consumed and the bowl was left empty. (Can I just add that I really REALLY wish I was making this stuff up). This is the wine for a day when your toddler really asked “Why?” she couldn’t break mom’s things, roll her brother down a stair, and put mom’s makeup on the dog. This is the wine for a day when your only 14 month old that cannot walk or talk already knows how to throw a full-fledged body throwing temper tantrum EVERY TIME you insist on removing him from climbing into the fireplace, pull chokeables out of his mouth, and overall attempt to ensure that said 14 month old doesn’t kill himself (How dare you Mom!). Pair as you like, but a good rule of thumb is the more “AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” moments, the more full bodied and dry your delectable pallet might savor. ***You get bonus points for any “AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” moment performed in public, and triple points for judge-y stares.
Go ahead Mama, take a load off, and sip that wine if you choose. You probably won’t get through that glass anyways before averting the next crisis, and once all the tinies are finally in bed, you are probably now too tired to actually drink the taunting libation sitting beside you.
After all, ’tis the season for tantrums and wine.