I hate the c-word: cancer. It reared its ugly head at the end of last year. My cousin and best friend, who was 22 weeks pregnant with her second child at the time, was diagnosed with lymphoma and began chemo. Being the brave mama warrior she is, she delivered a healthy baby boy at 36 weeks and then found out she was in remission. I am so grateful. Around the same time, my two close friends found out their dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately, he passed away about a month before his daughter’s wedding and never got to walk her down the aisle. My heart still aches for them.

How do you support someone in their time of greatest need?

When I found out the news, I was in complete shock. I was speechless and didn’t know what to say. I had a lot of questions. But ultimately, I wanted to know what I could do. I wanted to take action. I refused to say, “I’ll be praying for you and thinking of you.” I wanted to show my love in tangible ways, but I didn’t know how. What were the boundaries? I think people often feel this way, and as a result of awkward attempts or feelings of helplessness, they do nothing at all. How to be there for others?

But with empathy, compassion, and a little effort, you can find meaningful ways to lift up those closest to you in their darkest hour and know how to be there for others: 

  1. Acknowledgment – When people go through grief, they can feel very isolated and lonely. It helps to acknowledge their feelings as normal; someone else in this world has gone through something like this before. “It’s ok to cry and be sad. Feel your feelings. I’ve been there, and it sucks. I can’t imagine how you feel, but I’m here.” Giving them the space to grieve is the first step to processing their emotions.
  2. Ask for guidance – “I want to be here for you but don’t know how. Do you need to talk? Do you just want someone to sit with you? Can I help with chores?” My cousin is very private and didn’t want to make a big splash for sympathy, but she appreciated having a meal train so she didn’t have to worry about cooking. If you don’t know what to do, just ask for some direction, or throw out ideas and see how they respond.
  3. Don’t just offer, act – It’s easy to say “Let me know if I can help,” but it shows a lot when you just show up. Instead of asking a friend to meet me for lunch, I asked what she was craving and told her I would drop it off for her at work. (Can you sense my theme of healing through food?) My other friend, who’s a pharmacist at MD Anderson, accompanied my cousin to her chemo treatments and helped field questions with her colleagues. My friends told me the turnout at their dad’s funeral was a surprising and impactful gesture from all their out-of-town friends. Show up in person when it matters most.
  4. Hold space – Sometimes, you don’t really need to do anything. You don’t need to distract them from their feelings or avoid bringing up the elephant in the room. Just be there to witness the process and check in on their needs. Some people may want to have normal conversations and hear about that cute thing your kid did; others may need some physical distance. The best you can do is hold space for people to process in their own way and time.
  5. Gain perspective – I was one of the first to find out my cousin was in remission, and in my excitement, I asked her when she was going to post the news on her blog. Her response surprised me: “With cancer, there’s a grieving component and a mental health component. It’s not black and white to just say ‘Oh the doctor told me this, and now I’ll tell people.’ It’s me accepting the news and processing it.” My cousin’s wisdom was eye opening and helped me empathize with the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions in her head.

At the end of the day, darkness helps us know light. Grief and pain are normal human emotions, and the best way we can stand for others is to meet them where they are.

What’s your experience in supporting someone during a tough time? I’d love to hear what you said or did that resonated.

 

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