I Only Want One Kid Because I’m Selfish. Is That So Wrong?

Growing up everyone had that kid in their neighborhood who was… (gasp) an only child. As a not normal band/newspaper nerd myself, I was definitely not in a place to judge. But … come on… it was weird to not have brothers and sisters right? Who did he play with? How would he learn to share? Was he lonely? ALSO — why in the world did I decide to play the clarinet? There are still so many unanswered questions.

Fast forward to today, as the mother of ONE 3-year-old, my perspective on that only child has broadened. I now suspect my companion-less neighbor was the son of a wise woman who didn’t give a crap that she had doomed her child to a “weird” adolescence.  

As someone who is “one and done,” I believe my personal pros of only having one kid outweigh my daughter’s cons of being sans-siblings. Does that make me selfish? I guess so? According to the internet, choosing to only have one kid firmly lands me in the bad mom column. Other bloggers defensively proclaim that “they’re NOT selfish” for choosing to stop after just one.

I, on the other hand, signed up for motherhood, not martyrdom. I’m not apologizing for my oh-so- selfish reasons to never be pregnant again. And I got them:

Selfish Reason #1- Pregnancy and newborns are the worst

I HATED being pregnant AND the “fourth trimester.” Were you one of those women didn’t look pregnant from behind? Yeah — I hate you. I gained 80 pounds in the first 15 seconds of pregnancy leaving me with chronic knee pain and back pain.

My hormones soared to such bizarre and unhealthy levels that I’m still medicating three years later. Hello, sweating in an air-conditioned office in February.

Luckily, after my darling daughter was born I definitely obeyed that whole- “nap when she napped” thing…

HAHA JUST KIDDING! If she napped my crippling post-partum anxiety told me to use that time to google things.  <Me Typing> “Hey Google, what are the chances of my newborn being eaten by a stingray on dry land?”

Also, stretch marks. I got them. I don’t want more of them.

Selfish Reason #2- MONEY MONEY MONEY

Preschool costs more than two car payments each month. One night with the babysitter costs as much as a week of groceries. The people who watch my most precious commodity deserve every penny (and then some!) and I recognize we could cut back enough to afford another child.

But I don’t want to.

I know it is selfish, but I would rather be able to save up for a trip overseas than double my daycare costs. Being able to see the world has always been a priority for me. And now I want to pass the global experience down to my daughter. I’m convinced it would take winning the lottery to fly a family of four to Thailand.

Selfish Reason #3 My hair is really, really dirty

I’m so tired. Always. Balancing work and being a mom is like juggling live octopuses. When I’m at work – I give 105%. And the second I pick up my daughter I give her 110% of my attention. I’m no math whiz but I did some calculations. Giving 215% of yourself is, in fact, exhausting. So by the time my husband gets home from work I have .006% energy left to give. It takes about 4% of my energy to take a shower… making it mathematically impossible to wash my hair. Or talk to my husband. Or get off the couch.  OR WRITE THIS BLOG.

Now multiply all those percentages by 1 or 2 more kids and… well- I don’t actually remember how to multiple whole numbers with percentages so I can’t possibly have another child.   

The truth is, I DO have dreams of my daughter playing with her little sister Cora or Everly. They would grow up and be best friends. They would live next door to each other and have their babies at the same time. When I got older they would take care of me and we would all live happily ever after forever and ever. But isn’t that dream selfish too?

Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee growing up with a built-in best friend. It certainly doesn’t promise her a lonely free life, or that she won’t be spoiled. And despite my selfishness — you have to admit having kids to ensure there’s someone around when you’re old and grey isn’t fair.

Ultimately, I hope my daughter learns how to stand up for what she wants and proudly makes her own choices – despite what society, the internet or even the band dork down the street thinks of her. And that starts with me being strong enough to stand up for what I want now.